To Alex, one of my greatest treasures in this life:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Happy 13th Birthday!!! It can't possibly be time for this AGAIN!!
Though it's my second time around, I'm still so shocked by how fast this day came. One day you are a sweet, tiny newborn who needs me to provide all of his needs. I barely blink, and you don't seem to need me very much at all... at least not in such a physical way. You can't just throw me out with the birthday trash so fast though. I'm still useful for some things, as in... wisdom and life experience completely available whenever you need it.
Believe it or not, there are many women my age who are just starting their families... yet I have TEENAGERS!! I may have started earlier than a lot of others do, but I don’t regret it at all because I’ve gotten to enjoy the gift of having you all that much longer in my life, and I wouldn’t trade that time with you for anything.
The “dreaded teenage years” are something that pretty much all parents are fearful of because so much of the relationship between them and their child changes, and this is the time when you really have to get it right, because at the end of this season, you have to release those little babies of yours out into the world. 😱
That’s a lot of pressure. We brought you into this world promising to love and protect you always, but knowing that there would eventually come a time and day where we would HAVE to let go of your hand and pass on the responsibility of your health, well-being, and overall comfort over to you.
I will never feel ready for that moment, but I hope and pray so much that when that time comes, I can be sure that YOU WILL BE READY for it!! That’s the goal of this whole parenting thing. That’s what God has entrusted us with…the responsibility of helping YOU become the man that He created you to be, one that is a responsible and respectable citizen and steward of this community and world.
Most parents don’t even think that far ahead though, and then become surprised to find when their kids turn 18 that they are NOT prepared at ALL for this world. I pray so much for that not to be our story.
The thing that we BOTH have to remember is…I’m still new at this raising a teenager thing. And what I may have learned from Jared will likely not be that helpful since your personalities are so different. I’ve BEEN a teenager though, which lends tons of experience in itself, .
Something I'm sure of though… is that unfortunately, I’m going to mess up from time-to-time. And you know what, so are you. I have faith that it will all be OK in the end though, because I see and know the potential of the man that God has created you to be.
We’re going to do this together. I’ll shower you with lots of love and grace through this time, and hopefully, you can do the same for me. Understanding that each of us really are working toward the same goal and are on the same team. We both want you to SUCCEED and live your best life possible!! Our ideas of what that means may not always match up, and that is where we’re going to need to have some really good communication with each other to explain what we think “success” is and why it matters so much to each of us.
No matter what… I am always on your side though. Never forget that!! I WILL NOT always like everything you do, I’m sure of that, but I’m always going to love you, and I’m ALWAYS going to be rooting for you in this life. I’m proud of you already just because you are mine. You are my beautiful boy, Alex!! You don’t have to do ANYTHING more than just merely EXIST to make me beam with pride, anything more is really just icing on the cake.
I never, ever want you to forget the love that I have for you, and will always have for you. When your emotions take over, and you think I’m the meanest…dumbest…most out of touch person you’ve ever known, I hope that you will still feel my love for you, even through my perceived faults.
And I hope that even in the moments where you are angry with me, that your love for me is still there too.
Things will obviously be changing in the coming years as we release more responsibility over to you, and it will be exciting times for both of us to watch you grow in your capabilities and character. This season of your life won’t be as much about strict discipline and training as it may have been to date, but now will be more about learning respect and strengthening your character growth.
As you’ve likely figured out by now that these days, I really will not be able to MAKE you do anything against your own will. God gave you free will, just as He did each of us, and that means that the choices are ultimately your own. However, I hope that in the same way that we choose to obey God out of our deep love and respect for Him, that you will also obey us because you have deep love and respect for us too.
I know that I have not been perfect at this parenting thing (as no one ever is), and I know that many times I have not made complete sense to you, but I hope that you will always know and trust that all of the choices I make for you are made with your very BEST interest in mind. Even if you don’t like the things you are asked to do… or not to do, I hope that you will consider that these decisions have been chosen to help you become your very best. And if we need to talk about it, then let’s talk about it. I want you to understand the vision we have for you, and want you to be a part of the decisions that are made for your future too.
So, as we move away from strict discipline that early childhood demanded for your health and safety, our relationship will become more of a guidance position as parents to help get you to where you want to be. And if you aren’t letting us know where it is that you want to be, we can’t help you get there. So that’s your responsibility in this too. You have to communicate your desires and needs with us.
I'll admit that I’m a little intimidated by these next few years, but I’m also really excited about them too. I don’t want to think of the teenage years with you with dread. I think you are an amazing human being, and I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do with you and your life. You are definitely so much different from the little baby I brought home many years ago, but every day has been a new gift of learning WHO you really are, what gifts God has given to you, and how best for you to use them in this world.
I’m here for you, even though your needs are not nearly as clear to me as they were when you were firstborn. Babies are relatively easy because they need food, love, sleep, and to be cleaned. I can do that. So easy, so CLEAR!! Your needs now are much greater because they involve shaping you into a man!! And not just any man, but a good, responsible, respectable man of God that completes the mission that he was sent here to this earth to do. Help me know what you need and how I can best help you. Come find me!! Let me know your needs and what’s on your heart!! I am here for you!!
Enjoy these next few years because they will go by so fast. You have many years where you will get to be an ADULT, but there really is only a limited number of years left that you still get to be a kid. Enjoy them!! Don’t rush them!! Once they are gone, you really can not get them back, and TRUST ME on this, life does NOT get easier just because you are an official adult. I promise.
I love you, my sweet boy. I love you so, so, so much, and I NEVER EVER want you to forget that-- no matter how big you may get. I want you to feel my love for you whether I am physically with you or not, I NEVER EVER want you to question it. I want it to be a strong force that helps make your life better and easier and gives you the courage to keep going because you know, without question, that you will always have at least one person on your side.
A daughter whose father let her down, time and again due to his struggles with addiction, yet has never lost hope for him and the relationship that she always wanted to have with him.
When I read a blog post earlier titled, "To the Parent Who Chose Addiction", I liked what the author was trying to do, but I felt a need to personalize this same topic to my own situation, because I couldn't 100% agree with all that she had said.
See, she started hers off with this line, "When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you."
Those words immediately gave me pause, because I can't say that I've ever felt that way about you. When I was young I wanted you, and more than anything, I wanted you to WANT me. I didn't hate you. I loved you, missed you, and didn't understand why you didn't seem to reciprocate those feelings.
As I grew older, your choices became even more confusing to me, especially when I became a parent myself. There is not a thing in this earth that would keep me away from being with, there, and for my children. The love I feel for them makes my heart nearly explode. I worry each day about being a good enough parent to them, and feel the pressure of trying to shape and guide them into strong, dependable, reliable members of society that exude integrity, love, and compassion.
That's a huge task for any parent, and maybe the pressure of that level of responsibility was too much for you, and you felt that if you couldn't do it right, then why bother trying at all. I don't know, only you can tell what went through your mind during the time you started choosing your addiction over your family.
The thing is, even through your choice of addiction over me, somehow I did become the type of person that I described above, in a way that I'm sure couldn't have happened without the experiences that your choices brought to my life.
When you chose addiction over being there for my birth...
I was forced on a journey to understand that my worth and value were not dependent on my parents or other people in this earth. I had to find it through internal and supernatural sources. I didn't know it at the time, but every time that you stepped out, God stepped in. Every moment that He offered to you to beam with pride over me, He stood in your place, so that none of my important moments ever went unnoticed or unappreciated.
When you chose addiction over my childhood...
I realized that I was smart, talented, and capable of doing amazing and wonderful things, whether I had proud parents rooting me on or not. I became determined to reach my full potential, which at the time I thought would impress you, but honestly, instead I impressed myself as I continued to pull it off. I don't know if you even know this, but as a young child in elementary school, when my life at home was a total wreck, I tested into the Gifted program at my school which brought tremendous pride to me, because with that honor it affirmed that I was special and other people could see it too, even if you didn't notice or appreciate that.
When you chose addiction over my teen years...
Me at my first job, a waitress at 15. I was terrible at it. :)
You missed the opportunity to express to me my value and importance, when I needed it most. You didn't share with me the treasure that I was, and that not just any guy deserved to be with me. I had no idea what traits or values I really needed to look for in my future spouse, and you were not there to help guide me in that process... to look out for me, when my emotions were talking louder than my reasoning. I admit that I made mistakes in my judgement during this time, but thankfully, none that were too damaging to my long-term goals and success. At the time that my life was being bombarded the most by these life-shaping decisions, you weren't there to guide me. Yet, somehow I found my way, not by mistake, but by my internal guide that had been with me all along calling out to me to follow Him, and so that's exactly what I did.
Prom with Greg
When you chose your addiction over my early adult years...
By then, I no longer expected you to be there for any of my important moments, though I would still always invite you. I'd always promise myself that I wouldn't let my feelings get hurt when you wouldn't show up, but it was never a promise I could actually keep. I knew how you were, but I also knew how I desperately WISHED you would be too.
Honestly, my whole life, I only ever wanted one thing from you, and it was your love and presence in my life. In the absence of it, I had to fill that void with something, and that's exactly when Jesus revealed Himself to me. He poured out His great love and mercy on me, and helped me to realize that it was not that I had done anything wrong or that I was NOT enough. It was that you unfortunately had, very early on, chosen a path that came at a great cost to both of us. You had to give up having a deep and meaningful relationship with your children...with me, and I had to give up on the idea that my earthly father was ever going to be capable of fulfilling my emotional needs in the way I had always hoped for, so it gave me no choice BUT to trust in Him to do that for me in your absence.
This is what the first car that I bought looked like. 1996 Pontiac Sunfire
High School Graduation Class of 1998
That was actually your greatest gift to me. I don't know if I would have made the same choice, to give my life over to Jesus, without going through the life I had lived. I don't know that I would have the deep love and compassion for others in similar hurting and broken places. I don't know that my ministry on this earth could be as effective. I don't know that I would be able to love my own children with the same depth and intensity. I don't know that I would have a deep sympathy and remorse for people who struggle with addictions, and understand the power that those things can truly have on their lives and have compassion for their struggles. I just don't know.
I was saved in July 1998, and still proudly praise and serve Jesus today. I was baptized when I was 20 years old, but I had no family present to celebrate that huge moment with me.
I was married in 2000, and was so grateful that my stepdad was there to walk me down the isle, though I still wished that you had come too.
The birth of my 4th and final baby. I never knew the power of real love till I met those 4 little faces.
A lot of who I am, was birthed out of the the pain, loss, insecurities, and fears that I've faced and overcome... as the child of an addict. I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through a lot of the things that I have, that are not documented with photos on this earth, but have been permanently imprinted in my mind and heart. However, if that's what it took for me to be me, for me to find, trust, and accept Jesus, and then lead out a mission and ministry from there that truly comes straight from my heart, then I guess, I'd do it all again.
However, I still feel bad for you though because your addiction cheated you out of this life's greatest joys for a long, long time. Thankfully though, you aren't in that place anymore, and now you CAN make choices that will serve you so much better, and can still bring you great joy and happiness in this life, if you will open your heart to receive it. Forgive yourself, and know that, at least for me, it's never been a question of forgiveness. I've continued to be here all along just waiting for you to be here too, to show up, and just feel the love I have to offer.
And I know, for certain, that I am not the only one standing here with that offer either. The Lord, Jesus, who stood with me many times on YOUR behalf, who guided and loved me through many hard moments in my life... has always been there for you too. He longs to show His love and offer His forgiveness to you. He's just waiting for you to recognize His voice and call on your life, and allow Him to come in. His plans for you have always been good, and He still wants a chance to bring all of that into your life. However, the choice is always in our hands and on our terms. He can't force you to love and want Him, any more than I could ever force you to love and want me. Nevertheless, we both stand waiting still.
Don't call the cops, or send out the search party!!! I know, it's been a while, I dropped off the face of the (blogging) planet, but I'm still here and breathing.
That's sort of been an inside joke for my sister and I for a while, since 2015 seemed to be kicking all of our butts. Some of us (ME) went into hiding...but it mainly came about as a joke about how we check in with our stepdad, who is a self proclaimed hermit, and he can go months without speaking to anyone and still be absolutely content. He just forgets that the rest of us worry about him and care for him, and just need to know every once and a while that he's still OK. :)
My sister laid the law, and said that he could hide as much as he needed, but if she called or texted him, he better at least send a text back that says, "I'm still breathing!!" or she'll be calling the cops and sending out the search parties.
And now we do that for each other too. I'll text her "Are you still breathing?" or vice versa, and as long as the other responds, we chill and just know everyone is fine, just hiding out for a while.
Things post PE sort of leveled off around 6 months out, and I was finally starting to feel somewhat more normal. I had new scans of my heart and lungs, and the clots resolved, and other than a slight heart defect (called Mitral Valve Prolaspe) my heart is pretty healthy again too. But, there is a lot of neurological damage left after the PE that has definitely changed things for me, and has taken a lot of time to process and adapt and accept.
The neurological issues that are there, it seems that I'm stuck with, body tremors and myoclonic jerks. Also, my anxiety went WAY out of control, and I fell into one of the worst bouts of depression of my life. Anxiety and depression are not new for me, but their presence enhanced a lot of my current issues making all of that worse.
On top of that, something that I had not really disclosed before, except to only a rare few people, was that something happened in November 2014 that triggered a severe PTSD event for me, and had already significantly impacted my life and my marriage. I was desperately working through all of that with a counselor from the moment that it happened, and thankfully, the counselor was there with me all the way through my PE issue too.
When the PE hit, the other stuff got put on the back burner...even though it was important, there was no way I could focus on it all at once, so my physical health took priority for a while. However, since the other event was SO extremely significant, and even though I had made some progress leading up to the PE, I had not fully finished dealing with the gamut of emotions that really came with that event. That PTSD event brought out memories and personal demons that I had shoved so far away in my brain, and I was NEVER planning on revisiting any of that stuff, but now I was forced too.
It was like Pandora's box, once opened, you couldn't put it back. So, when my physical health started to settle, the mental part started demanding its attention again through another wave of a PTSD attack that brought with it waves of severe panic attacks again too, and a confusion bigger than I've ever experienced before.
It was too much for me, and all I could see was that the source of the emotions that I didn't want to be feeling were being stimulated by my husband. It was his actions and decisions that threw me back into that place, and even though I don't for one second think that he was intentionally trying to purposefully or knowingly hurt and violate my trust in the ways that he did and put me in that place (because I know that he's not a mean spirited person), I had to face the hard facts that, on purpose or not--he still had significantly hurt me, and being around him intimately wasn't helping me be healthy or happy at all. I was getting worse.
So, in September I told him that I had to put my full health first for a while, and that I didn't feel safe with him, and that I wasn't sure I even wanted to or could be married to him anymore. I was done and exhausted of feeling the way I was, and I couldn't see any other way to help me get better. What we were doing WASN'T working! Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew that I couldn't keep living like I was, because it was seriously putting me in the grave.
And honestly, I do believe that because I was really mentally unhealthy at the time of my PE from the unresolved November PTSD event, that was somehow a contributing factor into me even having the PE too. We've not gotten any real answers that make any of what has happened to me medically make sense, but I know stress can wreak havoc on a body, and I think even though I was trying hard in early 2015 to ignore my feelings and just "move on" from the November event, my body internally was NOT fooled. :(
So yeah, I completely freaked my husband out, and he went into "fix it" mode instantly, and really I just needed some space and time and understanding for healing. I didn't know that at the time. I had no idea what I was feeling or what I wanted or what I needed, to be honest, but I knew that if I continued the path I was on, it was going to kill me, in one way or another. And it was for my kids alone, that I demanded better, and chose to fight instead of just giving up. The only thing I was certain of at that time was that it would hurt my kids a whole lot more to have no mom at all, as opposed to ANY of the other options I thought I had then.
He went to a few therapy sessions with my counselor then, and I guess he was finally realizing the significance of and depth of the issues I was trying to overcome. How deeply affected and traumatized I had been by my past events, and how the events with him had basically woken a sleeping giant of repressed pain for me, and I didn't know what to do with it.
My instincts said "RUN!! Run far, run fast...just run!!"
That wasn't a valid option this time though because I had kids that would be caught in the middle. Nearly 20 years ago though, that was what I did, I ran from the issue, but this time I was FORCED to deal with it, and I had no confidence that I was strong enough to actually do that. The thought of opening all of that back up just made me want to puke. And the fact was, I was still struggling to recover from the mental toll the PE had placed on me as well.
I felt unsafe in my own home, in my own bed, in my own body, in my own mind. It's a scary feeling when even your own body turns on you, and no one can explain the reason why. The anxiety is crippling, and adding ANYTHING ELSE on top of that, feels like you're literally trying to move a mountain.
An immediate and noticeable change occurred in my husband, once the whole fullness of what I was feeling and going through had finally sunk in with him. I liked the change, but I was scared that it could be a farce too, just to get me to back down, and then we'd be right back where we were, which is a place that I could NOT go back to.
He showed a significant seriousness of truly wanting to make real changes for us by booking us a week of Intensive Couples Counseling through the National Institute of Marriage, a ministry of Focus on the Family. I didn't know what I thought about that, but I figured it couldn't hurt. I didn't have much expectation from it really, I was just trying to survive in those moments and if that could help in any way, I was definitely willing to try.
Although, since I had already been in my own one-on-one counseling for a year by the time of our Intensive, I did not see how four days was going to "fix" the brokenness and fear that I was feeling. And the truth is, those four days didn't.
We went to the Intensive in early November 2015 and it was beautiful, and really well done. They took great care of us, we met some other very sweet couples, and I felt that the counselors were not pushy in any way or trying to beat me with Bible knowledge that I already had about "divorce", to guilt me into just "getting over my issues" and "moving on".
They were gentle with us, and actually encouraged me to continue to focus on my own healing first and foremost, as I had already concluded myself. One thing they said there that stuck with me is that when your physical health gets into an emergency and crisis situation, the first thing that you do is STOP everything and assess what all has been damaged. And then, course of treatments are prescribed from there, and that sometimes, the first course of treatment was immobilization allowing time for the injuries to heal. Then after some healing has taken place, you can start working on rehabilitation. Slowly working your way back to full health. And that the same process applied to our wounded relationships too.
So, I felt good and safe while we were there at the Intensive, but when we came back home I fell into a deeper and darker pit. I didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed to move. I felt like I was holding my family's whole world on my shoulders alone, and that if I stepped in "this" direction it would all come crumbling down, or if stepped in "that" direction it would all fall apart. I couldn't find the way out, and so I just didn't move at all...for months, paralyzed in my fear. I had no idea what my next step should be, and even if I did know, I was too terrified to take it.
My fear shut me down in my life. I wasn't living during those days, I was breathing, and I was surviving minute-by-minute. I stopped everything, and my husband sadly had to try to pick up where I was falling behind. And I don't think he was begrudgingly doing these things at all, I think he did realize that I was seriously ill, even if it was in a way that he could not comprehend personally.
So, he started doing all of the shopping again, and the cooking, and dishes, and most of the laundry. I tried to continue with homeschool, but just breathing was sucking the life out of me and I was dragging myself through those days. I felt like I was failing in every area I could. So, I heavily considered putting my kids back in regular school thinking that might help relieve some of the stress. I even went as far as going to each school and picking up the paperwork, but being in those buildings made me feel like puking, and as though I had failed at everything. As a mom, as a wife, as a Christian, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter....at everything, I had failed at everything that was important to me.
I broke down in the worst way that night after I had picked up those papers, and I just knew this was NOT what I wanted. I WANTED to live again. I WANTED out of this hole. I WANTED to be all that God had created me to be. And I KNEW there was no way He had spared me from the PE, just to let my world fall apart in this way.
I resolved that I was going to give myself until the end of the year, and then at the start of 2016, I was going to pick myself up, and take back my life.
January 1st came, and I was on fire. I did tons of laundry, cooked dinner, cleaned here and there. Then January 2nd came, and I COULD NOT MOVE!!! LOL
It was obviously going to take more than just will power. I had to accept that if I could have just "chosen" to get out of that hole all along, I would've have already done it!! I wasn't purposefully hanging out in the hole. I was stuck, and I needed a LOT of help to get back out.
Some of the help came in the form of anxiety medicines and antidepressants, and a LOT of help came from God. I felt Him urge me to look through some of the follow up materials given to us by the Intensive. And the first time I picked up the book and flipped through it, it was painful. I wasn't ready, so I put it back.
I spent time in prayer and talking with my therapist, and we were discussing other therapeutic options to help me overcome my PTSD issues because that was/is the biggest mountain between where I am now and where I want to be.
Then, our church started up their new Sunday evening small groups again, and the class my oldest son is in for the teenagers was about dating. So, I picked up his study guide for that class and read through most of it, and during reading that, God showed me my first step, that required very little risk, but finally MOVED ME in a direction.
So, that's where I am at right now, and I will share some of what it looks like for me. The "Dateable" book explained that before you ever even think of dating ANYONE, you should lay your boundaries out for yourself, what you feel are appropriate behaviors for dating that respect both you and the person you may date. See, that's something I've never done with ANYONE, is claimed boundaries of safety. I either completely let you in or I completely keep you out, but I didn't know how to manage the in-between.
My first step was to set my safety boundaries for dating my husband again (or dating anyone for that matter, but I'm giving my husband the first chance at trying out these boundaries because I do want to ultimately keep our family together, if possible, obviously), and so yes, you plan them out and make them clear. Here's what that looks like for me right now.
Then I went back to the follow up books given to us by the Intensive, and holding them felt less scary this time because I felt like I really had a plan that I could be comfortable with. These are the books from the Intensive. The first one they actually sent us before we went (DNA of Relationships), the Love Story Script is a workbook that follows up what we learned at the Intensive, and the last book basically takes you through an Intensive experience without actually going. I mean it is Eeeerily accurate in what it really felt like to be there!!
I discussed my desire to TRY to work through these things now with my husband, who was thrilled at the opportunity, and I showed him my "Safe List", and he seemed OK with it. Then I discussed it all with my counselor and showed her the books, and my Safe List too, and she was so proud of me because she acknowledged what a HUGE moment that was for me. I MOVED, I took a step, even in fear, I took a step, after MONTHS of being unable to even consider moving at all.
She drew out this chart of how relationships are built, and she said that even if I don't make it any further up this pyramid with my husband than that second level, it's obvious that I'm moving in the right direction, and that we are laying the right foundation to rebuild our relationship and trust hopefully.
I still have to work through the issues that led to my PTSD events, I don't know how long I will need to stay at level 2 before I'm comfortable for another level of intimacy, but this is where I just have to do what I can and trust God to do what I can't and guide me the way He wants me to go.
I've told my husband many times too, that he's free to go if what I have to offer to him right now in our relationship is just not enough for him, or if he feels that he's had to carry too much of the weight for this whole last year. So far, he's sticking around though. And that has helped give me the courage to even try to move through the issues that had me ready to run only months ago.
I did continue to homeschool too. It was something I enjoyed, and something that I really WANTED to do, and I just gave myself some grace that it doesn't have to be that "perfect" vision in my head right now. I'm only responsible for doing that which God requires of me each day, and going in with that attitude has helped relieve stress over it.
I'm going to get through this, and I have a feeling the testimony that comes out of all of this is going to be amazing. Just months ago, I was ready to give up everything, and really believed that I was too far broken to really overcome all of the issues that I've carried for so long. But, God has been working. No, He didn't bring a miracle for us at that four day Intensive (though we've certainly been blessed with far more miracles than we deserve already), and in some ways that seemed like a huge set back. However, I think it set the stage for where we are headed, for each of us personally AND in our relationship with each other.
I'm going to keep praying and trusting God that I will get passed this mountain somehow, whether it's by Him moving it for me, or climbing it with me, He's going to bring me to the Promise Land, somehow, and that's where I'm trying to keep my focus!!
Sadly, I'm actually a full month late on making this blog post. :( I had written out this long, sappy letter to my very first new teenager, and then my computer crashed, and I couldn't get to it any more. Aaaaaggghhh!! A writer's worst nightmare! LOL
Anyway, we finally got the computer back up and running, and I just wanted to share that letter here. It's to my son, but I think it can speak hope into the hearts of other moms that will soon be coming up on this momentous event as well, and maybe take away some of the fear that seems to just go hand-in-hand with the "dreaded teenage years".
To Jared, one of my greatest treasures in
this life:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Happy 13th Birthday!!!
WHOA!!! Is this for real, or am I
being punked?! ;)
It’s so strange for me to have a child becoming a teenager
right now, because a lot of the people that are my age are still having babies,
and some haven’t even had any kids yet… but I’ve got a teenager?! Whoa!!!
I’m really going to need a minute here to let this sink in.
I may have started earlier than a lot of others do, but I
don’t regret it at all because I’ve gotten to enjoy the gift of having you all
that much longer in my life, and I wouldn’t trade that time with you for anything.
The “dreaded teenage years” are something that pretty much all parents are
fearful of because so much of the relationship between them and their child
changes, and this is the time when you really have to get it right, because at
the end of this season, you have to release those little babies of yours out into the
world.
That’s a lot of pressure. We brought
you into this world promising to love and protect you always, but knowing that
there would eventually come a time and day where we would HAVE to let go of
your hand and pass on the responsibility of your health, well-being, and
overall comfort over to you.
I will never feel ready for that moment, but I hope and pray
so much that when that time comes, I can be sure that YOU WILL BE READY for
it!! That’s the goal of this whole
parenting thing. That’s what God has
entrusted us with…the responsibility of helping YOU become the man that He
created you to be, one that is a responsible and respectable citizen and
steward of this community and world.
Most parents don’t even think that far ahead though, and then become surprised
to find when their kids turn 18 that they are NOT prepared at ALL for this
world. I pray so much for that not to be
our story.
The thing that we BOTH have to remember is…I’ve never raised a teenager
before. I’ve BEEN a teenager, which
lends tons of experience in itself, but I’ve never RAISED a teenager. You’re the first, and I can promise you…
unfortunately, that I’m going to mess up from time-to-time. And you know what, so are you. I have faith that it will all be OK in the end though,
because I see and know the potential of the man that God has created you to be.
We’re going to do this together. I’ll
shower you with lots of love and grace through this time, and hopefully, you
can do the same for me. Understanding
that each of us really are working toward the same goal and are on the same team. We both want you to SUCCEED and live your best
life possible!! Our ideas of what that
means may not always match up, and that is where we’re going to need to have
some really good communication with each other to explain what we think
“success” is and why it matters so much to each of us.
No matter what… I am always on your side though. Never forget that!! I WILL NOT always like everything you do, I’m
sure, but I’m always going to love you, and I’m ALWAYS going to be rooting for
you in this life. I’m proud of you
already just because you are mine. You
are my Jared!! You don’t have to do
ANYTHING more than just merely EXIST to make me beam with pride, anything more
is really just icing on the cake.
I never, ever want you to forget the love that I have for you, and will always
have for you. When your emotions take
over, and you think I’m the meanest…dumbest…most out of touch person you’ve
ever known, I hope that you will still feel my love for you, even through my
perceived faults.
And I hope that even in the moments where you are angry with me, that your love
for me is still there too.
Things will obviously be changing in the coming years as we release more responsibility
over to you, and it will be exciting times for both of us to watch you grow in
your capabilities and character. This
season of your life won’t be as much about strict discipline and training as it
has been to date, but now will be more about learning respect and strengthening
your character growth.
As you’ve likely figured out by now that these days, I really will not be able to MAKE
you do anything against your own will. God
gave you free will, just as He did each of us, and that means that the choices
are ultimately your own. However, I hope
that in the same way that we choose to obey God out of our deep love and
respect for Him, that you will also obey us because you have deep love and
respect for us too.
I know that I have not been perfect at this parenting thing (as no one ever is),
and I know that many times I have not made complete sense to you, but I hope
that you will always know and trust that all of the choices I make for you are
made with your very BEST interest in mind. Even
if you don’t like the things you are asked to do… or not to do, I hope that you
will consider that these decisions have been chosen to help you become your very
best. And if we need to talk about it,
then let’s talk about it. I want you to
understand the vision we have for you, and want you to be a part of the
decisions that are made for your future too.
So, as we move away from strict discipline that early childhood demanded for your
health and safety, our relationship will become more of a guidance position as
parents to help get you to where you want to be. And if you aren’t letting us know where it is
that you want to be, we can’t help you get there. So that’s your responsibility in this too. You have to communicate your desires and
needs with us.
I'll admit that I’m a little intimidated by these next few years, but I’m also really excited about
them too. I don’t want to think of the
teenage years with you with dread. I
think you are an amazing human being, and I can’t wait to see what God’s going
to do with you and your life. You are
definitely so much different from the little baby I brought home many years ago,
but every day it’s been a new gift of learning WHO you really are, what gifts
God has given to you, and how best for
you to use them in this world.
I’m here for you, even though your needs are not nearly as clear to me as they
were when you were firstborn. Babies are
relatively easy because they need food, love, sleep, and to be cleaned. I can do that. So easy, so CLEAR!! Your needs now are much greater because they
involve shaping you into a man!! And not
just any man, but a good, responsible, respectable man of God that completes
the mission that he was sent here to this earth to do. Help me know what you need and how I can best
help you. Come find me!! Let me
know your needs and what’s on your heart!!
I am here for you!!
Enjoy these next few years because they will go by so fast. You have many years where you will get to be
an ADULT, but there really is only a limited number of years left that you
still get to be a kid. Enjoy them!! Don’t rush them!! Once
they are gone, you really can not get them back, and TRUST ME on this, life
does NOT get easier just because you are an official adult. I promise.
I love you, my sweet boy. I love you so,
so, so much, and I NEVER EVER want you to forget that-- no matter how big you
may get. I want you to feel my love for
you whether I am physically with you or not, I NEVER EVER want you to question
it. I want it to be a strong force that helps make
your life better and easier and gives you the courage to keep going because you
know, without question, that you will always have at least one person on your side.
For the past FOUR months, the focus of this blog has remained very heavily on my health...for obvious reasons. However, I'm going to shift focus for a moment back to another very important part of my life, that is actually MUCH more enjoyable for me to talk about. My life as a homeschooling mom!!
When I started up this blog, I actually had imagined this would be the most substantial topic covered, but God had other things in mind, I guess.
For those that have been RIVETED by all of these health updates and pulmonary embolism talk, NO WORRIES, that is still a huge part of my life right now, and I will continue to share my progress in this area. And to be honest, these parts of my life are HIGHLY connected right now. So there's not really a way to talk about my homeschooling without bringing in the health issues, or a way to talk about my health issues without addressing how it affects my homeschooling too.
Anyway, since right now I'm in the wait between tests and doctor appointments, it's been the perfect time to get my mind focused on OTHER things!! The registration for our homeschool co-op was yesterday, and those classes will start up August 7th!!! And tradition for me, so far, has been to start our school year the first week of August; so that's still my plan for now.
Pictured above is pretty much command central. These little cubbies are located just behind my dining table, and each child has their own cubby, and then I use the rest for storing supplies. I'm in the process of thinking out how I want to set up our binders this year. Last year, I used the recommendations off of the curriculum for how to organize and store things, but I really wasn't thrilled with the process. I like things as streamlined and efficient as possible, so I'm GOING to figure out a way to make this work using just one large binder for each child instead of multiple binders and tabs and folders and such. I just need things simplified!! And I am JUST the person to do this... because it's one of my secret "super powers". ;)
This massive book here, is my SECRET WEAPON as a homeschool mom. It tells me EXACTLY what I need to do, when I need to do it; covering preschool to college entrance!! I LOVE this book!! (The Well-Trained Mind)
Now, of course, it's focus is to guide you in a Classical Educational style, which I am a fan!! However, there are many different styles out there, and what I'm drawn to, may be a complete turn off to someone else. So, thoroughly research your options to know what might work best for you and your family, and don't just take my word for it. This is what I like, and truth be told, I don't even follow this to the extreme, it's just my "guide", I still get the final say in how much we stick to the program.
An example of how I've adapted this for myself is that I really love the focus on literature and the way history is presented in a chronological order, so we definitely follow through on those methods. I also follow through with the choices on Math too. However, they bring a real heavy focus on learning Latin and Logic. I do bring in the Logic, but not near as strong, but we don't do Latin at all right now. I considered it, because I like the idea WHY they choose to teach it, but honestly, with the health issues I've had and being so new to homeschooling, I knew I could not do IT ALL, and I figured if I had to let something go, Latin was probably the least "essential" at this time.
I may bring it in later, but it is just not a high priority today. Obviously, in high school, we will have to have a couple of years of foreign language, but I'd rather do one like Spanish that I think has more practical use in today's world, but I get that the reason why Latin is emphasized so heavily is because it is the root language for most of the other languages, and that once you learn Latin it makes it easier to learn and understand other foreign languages since they work very similar, especially in the way that words are conjugated and just overall grammatical structure.
So, with this whole Classical Educational style in mind, here is the breakdown of what we have chosen for each of my school aged children for the coming school year.
The 8th Grader
Oh my goodness... do I seriously have just ONE MORE YEAR until we have a HIGH SCHOOLER?! Make it stop!!!
We will also be using Writing Strands to continue to work on Writing Composition.
Math-U-See Algebra 1 The best part about this math is that it has the DVD math instructor, as well as plenty of practice to ensure mastery of each new concept learned!!
Apologia's General Science program. This is my first year using Apologia, but I hear rave reviews over it. My kids have been exposed to it as well through some of their co-op classes before. So we will see what I think about it, but I'm excited to see how it works. Science is one of my favorite subjects to teach.
History is one that I am able to teach to all of them at the same time, because the book is laid out to be used by all grades at once. We all learn about the same topics, but the schoolwork and testing is age based. Anyway, we are in year two of a four year history rotation schedule suggested by the Classical Education style, and I've chosen the The Mystery of History for our history rotation this time. I LOVE IT because it combines Bible History with traditional history, and so what is so, so neat (as a Christian family!!) is being able to see how certain biblical events line up with other important historical events that were happening at the same time. Last year's focus was on Ancient History, and this year's focus is on The Middle Ages.
Reading assignments will be given to line up with the period of history we are covering, as well as topics covered in science too. And every day, at least 30 minutes of recreational reading is required on top of the assigned reading, which I have no problem with that with my oldest child. He LOVES to read!!
We also have a daily Bible Study time, where I group it time with the big kids and time with the little kids. So the big two will be continuing a devotional study we started last year called Jesus, the One and Only by Beth Moore. We alternate days of reading from the devotional and reading straight from the Bible. Right now we are working through the New Testament together. We are in the gospel of Luke. Once we get finished with this Beth Moore study, my oldest has requested that we do a bible study over Revelations, so I'll have to look and see what I might use for that, but we still have quite a bit to go with our first study.
The 5th Grader
His is similarly set up to the one above, to keep things simple for me.
He will be using Writing Strands for writing composition as well.
Math-U-SeeDelta and Epsilon programs for him. I'm trying to fast track him a little to get him a little ahead in Math, so that he can be ready to do advanced math in high school, however, if he can't handle the pace, then obviously, we go at his pace. But, he's pretty smart, so I expect him to do well.
He will be teaming up with my youngest son in Science this year and we are using Apologia'sHuman Anatomy and Physiology course intended for the elementary age range.
We will be using the Mystery of History Vol II with him as well (linked and listed above), and his Reading assignments will be given out based off of History and Science lessons, as well as the daily mandatory recreational reading time. And, again, he will be covering the same Bible Study time material as my oldest.
The 1st Grader
We are still working on learning to read with him, and our phonics based program that we are using is The Ordinary Parents Guide to Teaching Reading. We have grade appropriate readers from Abeka and Alpha Omega to use. As well as plenty of books to choose from at our local library, which we try to get to every other week. We spend about an hour each day reading together, alternating from him reading to me and me reading to him.
He will be sitting in for science and history, but he won't be tested on them as his older brothers are. Basically, at this age it is just to give him interest in these areas, but not really about requiring full retention of information. He will retain what interests him, and we use timelines, activities, and narration pages to help him build knowledge and memories in those areas.
I use a Children's Bible, and various Children devotional books for the little two at this time now to cover our Bible Study time with them.
My preschooler
I don't really have a set curriculum planned for her. I've got a few preschool workbooks to give her something to keep her occupied. She tends to sit in during most of the time that I spend with my youngest "schooler" though, and she's picked up a LOT just from that. So, I expect her to do pretty much the same this year as well. Sometimes I will set her up at the computer to do learning games and activities there too. She did ABC Mouse last year, but I don't know if we will renew the subscription this time or not. She tends to like more hands-on learning than computer based learning.
So, that's our plan this year. It will be interesting to see how it all comes together. The first few weeks of school are usually a little frazzled as I learn how best to run each day. This year will be even more frazzled, I'm sure, given my current health issues and limitations. We will figure this out though, and make it work.
Also a very important part of their education to me as well is Life Skills training, which is about teaching them how to eventually live independently one day, hopefully. Each year, I have focused on something different. The first year was cooking and last year was common household chores. This year, I really want to work on time management with my big two, and we may bring in some basic budgeting too. We'll see.
Now for the real question...
I'm sure a lot of you are probably wondering why I even bother with continuing to homeschool, given my current health status, but I really don't want to give it up unless I have no other option. I am not against public schooling at all. My kids have been to public schools, and if that's where we end up again, I have faith that everything will be fine.
My main reason for choosing homeschooling is because it just fits in best with our lifestyle. I LOVE the flexibility it gives. Not to mention, I always wanted to be a teacher and ALMOST went to school to be one, but I chickened out at the last minute (intimidated by the public speaking required). So, getting to teach my own kids now is probably an even bigger dream come true than I had ever imagined for myself. I KNOW exactly what my kids are learning, and I'm RE-LEARNING right along with them. My mind refuses to just sit idle, so this is a great opportunity for me to keep my own my mind busy and fresh.
Homeschooling has allowed us to have some of the most interesting discussions that I know I would not have had without being right in the middle of their learning experience. When they come out with questions during our lessons, we can continue to investigate it until they are fully satisfied with answers. It encourages a love for learning because it can be very interest driven in that way.
Not to mention each child is getting one-on-one attention that they can't get from any other learning approach and their curriculum is catered directly to them and moves at THEIR pace. I use a "mastery" approach, so we don't move forward until I know the child fully understands the current material. I can see firsthand their strengths and help build and encourage that, as well as seeing warning flags of where they struggle and being able to catch and adjust appropriately to those as well.
So, really, all-in-all this just continues to be what we consider the best choice for our FAMILY. And so for now, we are going to continue forward with it the best we can. I feel much more intimidated by having to have all 4 children up, dressed, fed and to school by 8 a.m. every morning than I do about spending my days teaching and learning with them. Our city does not have school bus transportation, so I'm weighing it out in my head, "Do I want to be a taxi driver or a teacher?" And for me, I REALLY enjoy the teaching part and HATE/LOATHE/DESPISE having to drive all over the place and sitting in those drop-off/pick-up lines!! :)
Anyway, we all have to decide for ourselves how we want our families to run, and I'm just really glad that homeschooling is an option for us because it has blessed our lives so much. I really enjoy the time spent with my kids teaching them and having that front row seat watching the learn and grow.
YES, we have hard days!! YES, I NEED a break from time-to-time!! Yet, in the grand scheme, these years really do go by so fast, and this time I get with them now is just so valuable!! I know without question that I won't regret the investment of my time, money, and energy into the development of the future and the lives of the four most important people in my life! I really don't know anything greater that I could really do with my time than this. So, that's why I'm going to keep at it, even though it will not be easy. No accomplishment worth having is ever easy though.
I don't know a lot about PE recovery, but I do know one thing...it is not fun!!
I have continued to struggle this past month coming to an acceptance of my current limitations, and trying to learn how to cope with it the best I can.
This past week I had a few more doctor appointments, which brought me down a little bit again.
The first appointment was a checkup with my regular doctor. He was surprised that I was still so symptomatic and that my daily life was still so greatly affected at this point out (which is now over 3 months since the PE hit.)
So, he was glad that I already had an appointment scheduled with a cardiologist because he was concerned that my heart may have been affected during this. He also scheduled me with yet another specialist (It's a new hobby for me, I'm trying to collect them all!), this time a rheumatologist. This will be to check for any kind of underlying auto-immune issue that may be going on that could explain things for me. We are basically just trying to do our best to figure my health mystery out.
I saw the cardiologist on Friday, and he was concerned that my heart-rate was still so fast at this point too, and that I'm still having shortness of breathe and chest pain with any real movement. He did an EKG in the office, but he also wants to run some more tests too. He sent me home wearing a 48 hour heart monitor, that is pictured above. And then they are setting up another CT scan and an echo-cardiogram.
The CT will tell us what the clots have done over these past few months (confirm if they have resolved or not), and the echo will tell us how my heart has held up under the extra workload. I'm just ready for answers, but I know it will just take time to get everything sorted out.
The biggest concern is that I've moved over to pulmonary hypertension now, which would not be a good thing. However, if that is what it is, there is treatment for it that can help me to cope better with it, and not to mention, knowing for sure what I'm dealing with can help me appropriately adjust my expectations for my recovery.
As I mentioned in my last post, the few times I tried to shop by myself did not go well, so I got really down about it. I hate being a burden on other people, and I hate not being able to just go somewhere if I want to. So, I've been pretty home-bound (except for doctor appointments) since March, and I was starting to go stir crazy.
A few weeks ago, I tried to be brave. Since I knew that I couldn't manage walking all over the store on my own without causing extreme shortness of breathe, chest pain, and dizziness, yet I WANTED to get out of the house and actually be a part of the world again; I decided to go to Walmart with my family to grocery shop...using a wheelchair.
It did not go well for me.
I am not ready for that, and all that comes with that. If that's where I have to be eventually, then that's what I will do. This particular day, however, I was NOT ready!! I do not like attention drawn to me at all, and using a wheelchair pretty much guarantees that you will draw attention. Most people were very respectful and nice. Children had obvious curiosity that was to be expected, but the part that seriously threw me over the edge, was when I ran into someone that I knew.
I was really hoping to get in and out without seeing anyone, and just prove to myself that I could be brave and do this and that I didn't have to hide out in my house all the time. However, the minute that my friend recognized me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She came running over to me saying, "Oh my gosh, are you OK?! What happened?!"
This friend had known about my PE, but the thing is, she has seen me since I was released from the hospital when I've gone to church, and she knows that I am ABLE to walk (which is probably the most humiliating part about using the wheelchair, because my legs are FINE...it's my heart and lungs that are not!). I just explained that my heart still races whenever I get up and move, and that at this time I'm still not able to make it through a whole grocery trip without needing to sit and catch my breathe frequently. She seemed to understand, and I know that she was not judging me whatsoever, but it was still so mortifying for me. I wasn't ready to be THAT person.
It threw me into a pretty intense anxiety/panic attack, and I just buried myself in the bed when we got home, literally shaking and feeling sick all over because of it. I never wanted to leave the house again, honestly!! LOL
In the past month too, a lot of those close to me who know how much I'm still struggling have been suggesting that I get a handicapped tag for my car so I don't have to walk too far to get into places, and they also keep encouraging me that there is no shame in using the wheelchair if that's what I need to do.
However, it's just not been that easy for me. Just a few months ago, I was NOT this "disabled" person, and I'm not ready to accept yet that I might be. Weekly, I would be grocery shopping with four kids in tow like it was nothing, and now I can't even make through the parking lot without it being an issue for me. I have to have help with everything. I can't keep up on all the housework by myself. When I try to be productive, I quickly wear myself out and then become useless for the next several days. So, it's been so defeating for me to even consider that my life may never get back to what was "normal" for me.
I will obviously handle it, if that is where this path takes me, but I'm not ready to accept it yet. And I think that is my biggest push against this whole "handicapped tag" and "wheelchair" use thing. I think it makes me feel too much like I've given up, and that the hope of getting better is gone. I don't know. I just know that I'm not ready for that yet. So, I'm going to keep pushing myself the best I can, and keep looking for answers as I have been, and hopefully things will finally start improving soon.
I know there are so many people that have it so much worse than me right now, and I'm very grateful that my problems aren't bigger, of course. However, I'm still struggling with how much my life has changed in such a short time, and it makes it harder that I don't even have real answers for WHY? No one can give me a good expectation of what my healing and recovery should really be like. And my mind really STRUGGLES with "unknowns". I don't like surprises!! I need to be prepared and know what's coming, but sometimes that's just not possible. So, I am really trying to work on being OK with that.
There will undoubtedly be a new person who comes out on the other side from this because I can feel changes already taking place, and I can't even imagine what she will be like. She'll be tougher and stronger than ever, I know that for sure. I doubt she'll ever really be fearless, but hopefully, she will realize that even when things are scary to her, she will be OK, and that with God's help, she can do so much more than she ever gave herself credit for before. That's my hope, anyway.
Watch out world, this girl is going to be absolutely FIERCE when all is said and done!!! She's definitely got more fight in her than she ever knew before. :)
My mind is so FULL right now, that it's just busting at the seams with thoughts and feelings and emotions, and leaving me completely exhausted in the process. I'm finding myself pulled in all sorts of directions, and it's more than a little chaotic in my head at times.
Can't you just see the exhaustion of it all in my face?
One minute, I'm overwhelmingly grateful for this life and all the happiness and joys and mercies that I've been blessed to experience. The next minute, I'm at the bottom of the pit; feeling incredibly alone, defeated, and insecure. I truly don't know which way I'm going right now.
I don't make sense to me, so how could I possibly make sense to others?!
I truly desire to live life more fully than I have ever allowed myself to before, because I've SEEN how quickly it can be taken from you, and I get--more than ever--how precious each day is. However, what tends to bring me down are the continued physical limitations that I'm still dealing with daily that keep me from being able to DO all that I really would like to be able to do.
And sadly, I don't feel like anyone really gets what this experience is like for me either, but honestly, how could I expect them too?! It's not a common thing to go through, and it really isn't something I could have ever comprehended before either.
Still, knowing that others don't (and can't) understand, leaves me feeling very lonely. Like I've got this huge mission in front of me, and I am forced to go on it completely alone, totally unprepared for it whatsoever. I am winging it, and completely learning everything as I go. I'm having to rely on God in ways that I truly never had to before, because really THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT to really get me through this!!
I feel there is purpose in this struggle though. I feel that God is working very much in my life right now, and that this IS a journey meant for me alone. He's refining me, and preparing me, and equipping me, but for what... it is to still be revealed.
So what kind of challenges am I dealing with right now as a result of this PE? Well, let's see...
I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. Every single solitary action of my day, takes more energy than you would ever imagine. My stamina is still hit very hard, and doing even the most mundane of things will wipe me out in ways that I just can not even explain. Things as simple as taking a shower and getting ready require lots of time and lots of energy and lots of breaks. And THAT'S before I've even really DONE anything!!
I have to choose carefully what I will do with each day, because one grocery trip or church service or just a day of trying to clean up can wipe my energy out for several days afterwards.
I get really frustrated and impatient with my body because I'm not understanding how it works right now. I don't know how far is too far to push, and how much energy I really have...until I have gone too far and obviously pushed myself passed the limits, and then I'm stuck paying the price.
Just the other day, I went for a simple trip to Walmart to pick up some drinks. By the time I had walked through the parking lot, walked across the store, and then to the back; I was out-of-breathe and my chest was really burning and hurting, and I was SOOOOO FRUSTRATED because this should not be that big of a deal...but it was.
I'm not used to these type of restrictions. I have things that I want to do, places I want to go...but I can barely handle a simple trip to Walmart?! How am I supposed to do anything, if I can't even handle that?!
I feel like I'm terrible at relationships right now too because my perspective is WAY different than it was just a few months ago. I seem to expect way more out of people than what they are truly capable of giving. And I'm giving them in return way more than they were prepared to get.
As an introvert, I've never been a fan of small talk anyway, but now even moreso because I want all of my relationships to have a much deeper meaning and connection. And that leaves no place for small talk at all.
When I ask someone, "how you are doing"; I don't want to hear just "fine" or "good". I want to KNOW what's going on with them. What struggles are they currently facing? What victories have they won? In what way can I make a more positive impact in their lives?! How can I make my time here with them count?!
And since, this is really not how most of the world functions in relationships, I'm coming off as possibly... pushy, creepy, weird. Who even knows? I just know that I'm too much work for most people right now!! LOL
On the other hand, my life is also very centered right now on the daily struggles I'm facing, and I don't know how much to really share of that with other people. I don't know how much others want to know before it feels like I'm just "seeking pity" rather than truly just sharing where I'm at right now. And I also don't want to burden people with the responsibility of thinking that I expect them to "fix" this for me or make it better. If I share, I'm usually just sharing just to get it out of my head, so I can think about something else for a while.
So, yeah, I don't really know how to talk to friends about my life right now because everyone has to be tired of hearing the same old news, and it can really bring the mood down. I hate that. That's not who I want to be. I want to be the one lifting people up!!
I'm also feeling like a terrible mother right now too because, typically, I keep the summers fun and interesting for these kids. For my own sanity, it's better to give them something to do than just let them run free and wild all day long, but I can't do anything that I would normally do right now. I just don't have it in me.
It takes me a long time to finally get up and moving in the morning, and then I still have to lay back down and nap every afternoon. I'm consistently late getting dinner finished most nights because it just takes so much effort to really make it happen. And I've been basically cycling through a few basic recipes that are fairly low effort just to get by, so it's been pretty bland and boring in that way too for them.
What kills me is that my kids are growing so quickly, and I feel like I'm missing priceless opportunities with them. That bothers me a lot, because I WANT so much MORE for them than what I am able to give them right now.
I really don't understand this season of my life right now, so that naturally frustrates me. However, I do trust God completely with this!!
Earlier this year, I would say around February, God started stirring inside me in a way that I've never felt before. There was a lot of unrest that I just couldn't explain.
I didn't know what, but I knew that God was about to do something MAJOR with my life, because I felt like the Holy Spirit was literally about to bust right out of my body. I mentioned this just once to my husband one day, saying,"I don't know why, but I feel like God is about to really bust out in a very big way in my life."
He had no idea what to make of that statement, and the thing is...neither did I.
I knew our church was gearing up for a special revival, so I thought maybe it was related to that. I had been asked to take on a new ministry opportunity through our church, so I questioned if it was possibly related to that.
Within weeks though, my life flipped in the most unexpected sort of way. I had the pulmonary embolism event and everything that was normal and natural to me was now completely rearranged. I struggle in ways that I've never had to struggle before. And, I have no doubt whatsoever that this is all "part" of the work God is doing, even though it is extremely uncomfortable for me in this moment.
I'm eager to see what God is going to do with this. I know without question that my efforts and sufferings won't be wasted, and I am honored to get to be a part of such a special mission in this great, big Kingdom Plan of His.
All I ask is for people to pray for my strength through this journey. I don't see the end yet, and that very much intimidates me, but thankfully my faith is strong and He is truly sustaining me each and every day without fail, giving me just what I need in each moment. I'm so thankful for that.
I'm on a true mission to find myself right now, with no idea how it ends, but knowing without question that something wonderful will come out of this.
Oh my, I really have asked Him many times to take me deeper in my faith; and boy, has He ever come through on that one!! I am truly in it deep now!! So, definitely think long and hard about what you ask God for because you really may not be expecting the way He chooses to answer your requests. :)
