We've started our newest phase of life...the TEENAGE YEARS!!

Sadly, I'm actually a full month late on making this blog post. :(  I had written out this long, sappy letter to my very first new teenager, and then my computer crashed, and I couldn't get to it any more.  Aaaaaggghhh!!  A writer's worst nightmare!  LOL

Anyway, we finally got the computer back up and running, and I just wanted to share that letter here.  It's to my son, but I think it can speak hope into the hearts of other moms that will soon be coming up on this momentous event as well, and maybe take away some of the fear that seems to just go hand-in-hand with the "dreaded teenage years".

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August 28, 2015

To Jared, one of my greatest treasures in this life:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!  Happy 13^th Birthday!!!  WHOA!!!  Is this for real, or am I being punked?!  ;)

It’s so strange for me to have a child becoming a teenager right now, because a lot of the people that are my age are still having babies, and some haven’t even had any kids yet… but I’ve got a teenager?!  Whoa!!!  I’m really going to need a minute here to let this sink in.

I may have started earlier than a lot of others do, but I don’t regret it at all because I’ve gotten to enjoy the gift of having you all that much longer in my life, and I wouldn’t trade that time with you for anything.

The “dreaded teenage years” are something that pretty much all parents are fearful of because so much of the relationship between them and their child changes, and this is the time when you really have to get it right, because at the end of this season, you have to release those little babies of yours out into the world. 

That’s a lot of pressure.   We brought you into this world promising to love and protect you always, but knowing that there would eventually come a time and day where we would HAVE to let go of your hand and pass on the responsibility of your health, well-being, and overall comfort over to you.

I will never feel ready for that moment, but I hope and pray so much that when that time comes, I can be sure that YOU WILL BE READY for it!!  That’s the goal of this whole parenting thing.  That’s what God has entrusted us with…the responsibility of helping YOU become the man that He created you to be, one that is a responsible and respectable citizen and steward of this community and world.

Most parents don’t even think that far ahead though, and then become surprised to find when their kids turn 18 that they are NOT prepared at ALL for this world.  I pray so much for that not to be our story.

The thing that we BOTH have to remember is…I’ve never raised a teenager before.  I’ve BEEN a teenager, which lends tons of experience in itself, but I’ve never RAISED a teenager.  You’re the first, and I can promise you… unfortunately, that I’m going to mess up from time-to-time.  And you know what, so are you.  I have faith that it will all be OK in the end though, because I see and know the potential of the man that God has created you to be.

We’re going to do this together.  I’ll shower you with lots of love and grace through this time, and hopefully, you can do the same for me.  Understanding that each of us really are working toward the same goal and are on the same team.  We both want you to SUCCEED and live your best life possible!!  Our ideas of what that means may not always match up, and that is where we’re going to need to have some really good communication with each other to explain what we think “success” is and why it matters so much to each of us.

No matter what… I am always on your side though.  Never forget that!!  I WILL NOT always like everything you do, I’m sure, but I’m always going to love you, and I’m ALWAYS going to be rooting for you in this life.  I’m proud of you already just because you are mine.  You are my Jared!!  You don’t have to do ANYTHING more than just merely EXIST to make me beam with pride, anything more is really just icing on the cake.

I never, ever want you to forget the love that I have for you, and will always have for you.  When your emotions take over, and you think I’m the meanest…dumbest…most out of touch person you’ve ever known, I hope that you will still feel my love for you, even through my perceived faults.

And I hope that even in the moments where you are angry with me, that your love for me is still there too.

Things will obviously be changing in the coming years as we release more responsibility over to you, and it will be exciting times for both of us to watch you grow in your capabilities and character.  This season of your life won’t be as much about strict discipline and training as it has been to date, but now will be more about learning respect and strengthening your character growth.

As you’ve likely figured out by now that these days, I really will not be able to MAKE you do anything against your own will.  God gave you free will, just as He did each of us, and that means that the choices are ultimately your own.  However, I hope that in the same way that we choose to obey God out of our deep love and respect for Him, that you will also obey us because you have deep love and respect for us too.

I know that I have not been perfect at this parenting thing (as no one ever is), and I know that many times I have not made complete sense to you, but I hope that you will always know and trust that all of the choices I make for you are made with your very BEST interest in mind.  Even if you don’t like the things you are asked to do… or not to do, I hope that you will consider that these decisions have been chosen to help you become your very best.  And if we need to talk about it, then let’s talk about it.  I want you to understand the vision we have for you, and want you to be a part of the decisions that are made for your future too.

So, as we move away from strict discipline that early childhood demanded for your health and safety, our relationship will become more of a guidance position as parents to help get you to where you want to be.  And if you aren’t letting us know where it is that you want to be, we can’t help you get there.  So that’s your responsibility in this too.  You have to communicate your desires and needs with us.

I'll admit that I’m a little intimidated by these next few years, but I’m also really excited about them too.  I don’t want to think of the teenage years with you with dread.  I think you are an amazing human being, and I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do with you and your life.  You are definitely so much different from the little baby I brought home many years ago, but every day it’s been a new gift of learning WHO you really are, what gifts God has given to you, and how best  for you to use them in this world.

I’m here for you, even though your needs are not nearly as clear to me as they were when you were firstborn.  Babies are relatively easy because they need food, love, sleep, and to be cleaned.  I can do that.  So easy, so CLEAR!!  Your needs now are much greater because they involve shaping you into a man!!  And not just any man, but a good, responsible, respectable man of God that completes the mission that he was sent here to this earth to do.  Help me know what you need and how I can best help you.  Come find me!!   Let me know your needs and what’s on your heart!!  I am here for you!!

Enjoy these next few years because they will go by so fast.  You have many years where you will get to be an ADULT, but there really is only a limited number of years left that you still get to be a kid.  Enjoy them!!  Don’t rush them!!   Once they are gone, you really can not get them back, and TRUST ME on this, life does NOT get easier just because you are an official adult.  I promise.

I love you, my sweet boy.  I love you so, so, so much, and I NEVER EVER want you to forget that-- no matter how big you may get.  I want you to feel my love for you whether I am physically with you or not, I NEVER EVER want you to question it.   I want it to be a strong force that helps make your life better and easier and gives you the courage to keep going because you know, without question, that you will always have at least one person on your side.

So much love for you and pride in you!!

With love forever, 

Mom

A Shift of Focus

For the past FOUR months, the focus of this blog has remained very heavily on my health...for obvious reasons.  However, I'm going to shift focus for a moment back to another very important part of my life, that is actually MUCH more enjoyable for me to talk about.  My life as a homeschooling mom!!

When I started up this blog, I actually had imagined this would be the most substantial topic covered, but God had other things in mind, I guess.

For those that have been RIVETED by all of these health updates and pulmonary embolism talk, NO WORRIES, that is still a huge part of my life right now, and I will continue to share my progress in this area.  And to be honest, these parts of my life are HIGHLY connected right now.  So there's not really a way to talk about my homeschooling without bringing in the health issues, or a way to talk about my health issues without addressing how it affects my homeschooling too.

Anyway, since right now I'm in the wait between tests and doctor appointments, it's been the perfect time to get my mind focused on OTHER things!!  The registration for our homeschool co-op was yesterday, and those classes will start up August 7th!!!  And tradition for me, so far, has been to start our school year the first week of August; so that's still my plan for now.

Pictured above is pretty much command central.  These little cubbies are located just behind my dining table, and each child has their own cubby, and then I use the rest for storing supplies.  I'm in the process of thinking out how I want to set up our binders this year.  Last year, I used the recommendations off of the curriculum for how to organize and store things, but I really wasn't thrilled with the process.  I like things as streamlined and efficient as possible, so I'm GOING to figure out a way to make this work using just one large binder for each child instead of multiple binders and tabs and folders and such.  I just need things simplified!!  And I am JUST the person to do this... because it's one of my secret "super powers".  ;)

 

This massive book here, is my SECRET WEAPON as a homeschool mom.  It tells me EXACTLY what I need to do, when I need to do it; covering preschool to college entrance!!  I LOVE this book!!  (The Well-Trained Mind)

Now, of course, it's focus is to guide you in a Classical Educational style, which I am a fan!!  However, there are many different styles out there, and what I'm drawn to, may be a complete turn off to someone else.  So, thoroughly research your options to know what might work best for you and your family, and don't just take my word for it.  This is what I like, and truth be told, I don't even follow this to the extreme, it's just my "guide", I still get the final say in how much we stick to the program.

An example of how I've adapted this for myself is that I really love the focus on literature and the way history is presented in a chronological order, so we definitely follow through on those methods.  I also follow through with the choices on Math too.  However, they bring a real heavy focus on learning Latin and Logic.  I do bring in the Logic, but not near as strong, but we don't do Latin at all right now.  I considered it, because I like the idea WHY they choose to teach it, but honestly, with the health issues I've had and being so new to homeschooling, I knew I could not do IT ALL, and I figured if I had to let something go, Latin was probably the least "essential" at this time.

I may bring it in later, but it is just not a high priority today.  Obviously, in high school, we will have to have a couple of years of foreign language, but I'd rather do one like Spanish that I think has more practical use in today's world, but I get that the reason why Latin is emphasized so heavily is because it is the root language for most of the other languages, and that once you learn Latin it makes it easier to learn and understand other foreign languages since they work very similar, especially in the way that words are conjugated and just overall grammatical structure.

So, with this whole Classical Educational style in mind, here is the breakdown of what we have chosen for each of my school aged children for the coming school year.


The 8th Grader

Oh my goodness... do I seriously have just ONE MORE YEAR until we have a HIGH SCHOOLER?!  Make it stop!!!

He will be doing Alpha Omega's Lifepac series for grammar.

We will also be using Writing Strands to continue to work on Writing Composition.

Math-U-See Algebra 1  The best part about this math is that it has the DVD math instructor, as well as plenty of practice to ensure mastery of each new concept learned!!

Apologia's General Science program.  This is my first year using Apologia, but I hear rave reviews over it.  My kids have been exposed to it as well through some of their co-op classes before.  So we will see what I think about it, but I'm excited to see how it works.  Science is one of my favorite subjects to teach.

History is one that I am able to teach to all of them at the same time, because the book is laid out to be used by all grades at once.  We all learn about the same topics, but the schoolwork and testing is age based.  Anyway, we are in year two of a four year history rotation schedule suggested by the Classical Education style, and I've chosen the The Mystery of History for our history rotation this time.  I LOVE IT because it combines Bible History with traditional history, and so what is so, so neat (as a Christian family!!) is being able to see how certain biblical events line up with other important historical events that were happening at the same time.  Last year's focus was on Ancient History, and this year's focus is on The Middle Ages.

Reading assignments will be given to line up with the period of history we are covering, as well as topics covered in science too.  And every day, at least 30 minutes of recreational reading is required on top of the assigned reading, which I have no problem with that with my oldest child.  He LOVES to read!!

We also have a daily Bible Study time, where I group it time with the big kids and time with the little kids.  So the big two will be continuing a devotional study we started last year called Jesus, the One and Only by Beth Moore.  We alternate days of reading from the devotional and reading straight from the Bible.  Right now we are working through the New Testament together.  We are in the gospel of Luke.  Once we get finished with this Beth Moore study, my oldest has requested that we do a bible study over Revelations, so I'll have to look and see what I might use for that, but we still have quite a bit to go with our first study.

The 5th Grader

His is similarly set up to the one above, to keep things simple for me.

Alpha Omega Lifepacs for grammar.

He will be using Writing Strands for writing composition as well.

Math-U-See Delta and Epsilon programs for him.  I'm trying to fast track him a little to get him a little ahead in Math, so that he can be ready to do advanced math in high school, however, if he can't handle the pace, then obviously, we go at his pace.  But, he's pretty smart, so I expect him to do well.

He will be teaming up with my youngest son in Science this year and we are using Apologia's Human Anatomy and Physiology course intended for the elementary age range.

We will be using the Mystery of History Vol II with him as well (linked and listed above), and his Reading assignments will be given out based off of History and Science lessons, as well as the daily mandatory recreational reading time.  And, again, he will be covering the same Bible Study time material as my oldest.

The 1st Grader

We are still working on learning to read with him, and our phonics based program that we are using is The Ordinary Parents Guide to Teaching Reading.  We have grade appropriate readers from Abeka and Alpha Omega to use.  As well as plenty of books to choose from at our local library, which we try to get to every other week.  We spend about an hour each day reading together, alternating from him reading to me and me reading to him.

We are starting First Language Lessons for his introduction into grammar this year.

Handwriting Without Tears has been the handwriting program that we have been using.  So, we are on the first grade level for that.

Math-U-See Beta for his math.

He will be sitting in for science and history, but he won't be tested on them as his older brothers are.  Basically, at this age it is just to give him interest in these areas, but not really about requiring full retention of information.  He will retain what interests him, and we use timelines, activities, and narration pages to help him build knowledge and memories in those areas.

I use a Children's Bible, and various Children devotional books for the little two at this time now to cover our Bible Study time with them.


My preschooler

I don't really have a set curriculum planned for her.  I've got a few preschool workbooks to give her something to keep her occupied.  She tends to sit in during most of the time that I spend with my youngest "schooler" though, and she's picked up a LOT just from that.  So, I expect her to do pretty much the same this year as well.  Sometimes I will set her up at the computer to do learning games and activities there too.  She did ABC Mouse last year, but I don't know if we will renew the subscription this time or not.  She tends to like more hands-on learning than computer based learning.


So, that's our plan this year.  It will be interesting to see how it all comes together.  The first few weeks of school are usually a little frazzled as I learn how best to run each day.  This year will be even more frazzled, I'm sure, given my current health issues and limitations.  We will figure this out though, and make it work.

Also a very important part of their education to me as well is Life Skills training, which is about teaching them how to eventually live independently one day, hopefully.  Each year, I have focused on something different.  The first year was cooking and last year was common household chores.  This year, I really want to work on time management with my big two, and we may bring in some basic budgeting too.  We'll see.


Now for the real question...
I'm sure a lot of you are probably wondering why I even bother with continuing to homeschool, given my current health status, but I really don't want to give it up unless I have no other option.  I am not against public schooling at all.  My kids have been to public schools, and if that's where we end up again, I have faith that everything will be fine.

My main reason for choosing homeschooling is because it just fits in best with our lifestyle.  I LOVE the flexibility it gives.  Not to mention, I always wanted to be a teacher and ALMOST went to school to be one, but I chickened out at the last minute (intimidated by the public speaking required).  So, getting to teach my own kids now is probably an even bigger dream come true than I had ever imagined for myself.  I KNOW exactly what my kids are learning, and I'm RE-LEARNING right along with them.  My mind refuses to just sit idle, so this is a great opportunity for me to keep my own my mind busy and fresh.

Homeschooling has allowed us to have some of the most interesting discussions that I know I would not have had without being right in the middle of their learning experience.  When they come out with questions during our lessons, we can continue to investigate it until they are fully satisfied with answers.  It encourages a love for learning because it can be very interest driven in that way.

Not to mention each child is getting one-on-one attention that they can't get from any other learning approach and their curriculum is catered directly to them and moves at THEIR pace.  I use a "mastery" approach, so we don't move forward until I know the child fully understands the current material.  I can see firsthand their strengths and help build and encourage that, as well as seeing warning flags of where they struggle and being able to catch and adjust appropriately to those as well.

So, really, all-in-all this just continues to be what we consider the best choice for our FAMILY.  And so for now, we are going to continue forward with it the best we can.  I feel much more intimidated by having to have all 4 children up, dressed, fed and to school by 8 a.m. every morning than I do about spending my days teaching and learning with them.  Our city does not have school bus transportation, so I'm weighing it out in my head, "Do I want to be a taxi driver or a teacher?"  And for me, I REALLY enjoy the teaching part and HATE/LOATHE/DESPISE having to drive all over the place and sitting in those drop-off/pick-up lines!!  :)

Anyway, we all have to decide for ourselves how we want our families to run, and I'm just really glad that homeschooling is an option for us because it has blessed our lives so much.  I really enjoy the time spent with my kids teaching them and having that front row seat watching the learn and grow.

YES, we have hard days!!  YES, I NEED a break from time-to-time!!  Yet, in the grand scheme, these years really do go by so fast, and this time I get with them now is just so valuable!!   I know without question that I won't regret the investment of my time, money, and energy into the development of the future and the lives of the four most important people in my life!  I really don't know anything greater that I could really do with my time than this.  So, that's why I'm going to keep at it, even though it will not be easy.  No accomplishment worth having is ever easy though.

I will be Brave, I will be Strong, I will be FIERCE!!

I don't know a lot about PE recovery, but I do know one thing...it is not fun!!

I have continued to struggle this past month coming to an acceptance of my current limitations, and trying to learn how to cope with it the best I can.

This past week I had a few more doctor appointments, which brought me down a little bit again.

The first appointment was a checkup with my regular doctor.  He was surprised that I was still so symptomatic and that my daily life was still so greatly affected at this point out (which is now over 3 months since the PE hit.)

So, he was glad that I already had an appointment scheduled with a cardiologist because he was concerned that my heart may have been affected during this.  He also scheduled me with yet another specialist (It's a new hobby for me, I'm trying to collect them all!), this time a rheumatologist.  This will be to check for any kind of underlying auto-immune issue that may be going on that could explain things for me.  We are basically just trying to do our best to figure my health mystery out.

I saw the cardiologist on Friday, and he was concerned that my heart-rate was still so fast at this point too, and that I'm still having shortness of breathe and chest pain with any real movement.  He did an EKG in the office, but he also wants to run some more tests too.  He sent me home wearing a 48 hour heart monitor, that is pictured above.  And then they are setting up another CT scan and an echo-cardiogram.

The CT will tell us what the clots have done over these past few months (confirm if they have resolved or not), and the echo will tell us how my heart has held up under the extra workload.  I'm just ready for answers, but I know it will just take time to get everything sorted out.

The biggest concern is that I've moved over to pulmonary hypertension now, which would not be a good thing.  However, if that is what it is, there is treatment for it that can help me to cope better with it, and not to mention, knowing for sure what I'm dealing with can help me appropriately adjust my expectations for my recovery.

As I mentioned in my last post, the few times I tried to shop by myself did not go well, so I got really down about it.  I hate being a burden on other people, and I hate not being able to just go somewhere if I want to.  So, I've been pretty home-bound (except for doctor appointments) since March, and I was starting to go stir crazy.

A few weeks ago, I tried to be brave.  Since I knew that I couldn't manage walking all over the store on my own without causing extreme shortness of breathe, chest pain, and dizziness, yet I WANTED to get out of the house and actually be a part of the world again; I decided to go to Walmart with my family to grocery shop...using a wheelchair.

It did not go well for me.

I am not ready for that, and all that comes with that.  If that's where I have to be eventually, then that's what I will do.  This particular day, however, I was NOT ready!!  I do not like attention drawn to me at all, and using a wheelchair pretty much guarantees that you will draw attention.  Most people were very respectful and nice.  Children had obvious curiosity that was to be expected, but the part that seriously threw me over the edge, was when I ran into someone that I knew.

I was really hoping to get in and out without seeing anyone, and just prove to myself that I could be brave and do this and that I didn't have to hide out in my house all the time.  However, the minute that my friend recognized me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  She came running over to me saying, "Oh my gosh, are you OK?!  What happened?!"

This friend had known about my PE, but the thing is, she has seen me since I was released from the hospital when I've gone to church, and she knows that I am ABLE to walk (which is probably the most humiliating part about using the wheelchair, because my legs are FINE...it's my heart and lungs that are not!).  I just explained that my heart still races whenever I get up and move, and that at this time I'm still not able to make it through a whole grocery trip without needing to sit and catch my breathe frequently.  She seemed to understand, and I know that she was not judging me whatsoever, but it was still so mortifying for me.  I wasn't ready to be THAT person.

It threw me into a pretty intense anxiety/panic attack, and I just buried myself in the bed when we got home, literally shaking and feeling sick all over because of it.  I never wanted to leave the house again, honestly!!  LOL

In the past month too, a lot of those close to me who know how much I'm still struggling have been suggesting that I get a handicapped tag for my car so I don't have to walk too far to get into places, and they also keep encouraging me that there is no shame in using the wheelchair if that's what I need to do.

However, it's just not been that easy for me.  Just a few months ago, I was NOT this "disabled" person, and I'm not ready to accept yet that I might be.  Weekly, I would be grocery shopping with four kids in tow like it was nothing, and now I can't even make through the parking lot without it being an issue for me.  I have to have help with everything.  I can't keep up on all the housework by myself.  When I try to be productive, I quickly wear myself out and then become useless for the next several days.  So, it's been so defeating for me to even consider that my life may never get back to what was "normal" for me.

I will obviously handle it, if that is where this path takes me, but I'm not ready to accept it yet.  And I think that is my biggest push against this whole "handicapped tag" and "wheelchair" use thing.  I think it makes me feel too much like I've given up, and that the hope of getting better is gone.  I don't know.  I just know that I'm not ready for that yet.  So, I'm going to keep pushing myself the best I can, and keep looking for answers as I have been, and hopefully things will finally start improving soon.

I know there are so many people that have it so much worse than me right now, and I'm very grateful that my problems aren't bigger, of course.  However, I'm still struggling with how much my life has changed in such a short time, and it makes it harder that I don't even have real answers for WHY?  No one can give me a good expectation of what my healing and recovery should really be like.  And my mind really STRUGGLES with "unknowns".  I don't like surprises!!  I need to be prepared and know what's coming, but sometimes that's just not possible.  So, I am really trying to work on being OK with that.

There will undoubtedly be a new person who comes out on the other side from this because I can feel changes already taking place, and I can't even imagine what she will be like.  She'll be tougher and stronger than ever, I know that for sure.  I doubt she'll ever really be fearless, but hopefully, she will realize that even when things are scary to her, she will be OK, and that with God's help, she can do so much more than she ever gave herself credit for before.  That's my hope, anyway.

Watch out world, this girl is going to be absolutely FIERCE when all is said and done!!!  She's definitely got more fight in her than she ever knew before. :)

Finding myself again--PE recovery continued

My mind is so FULL right now, that it's just busting at the seams with thoughts and feelings and emotions, and leaving me completely exhausted in the process.  I'm finding myself pulled in all sorts of directions, and it's more than a little chaotic in my head at times.

Can't you just see the exhaustion of it all in my face?

One minute, I'm overwhelmingly grateful for this life and all the happiness and joys and mercies that I've been blessed to experience.  The next minute, I'm at the bottom of the pit; feeling incredibly alone, defeated, and insecure.  I truly don't know which way I'm going right now.

I don't make sense to me, so how could I possibly make sense to others?!

I truly desire to live life more fully than I have ever allowed myself to before, because I've SEEN how quickly it can be taken from you, and I get--more than ever--how precious each day is.  However, what tends to bring me down are the continued physical limitations that I'm still dealing with daily that keep me from being able to DO all that I really would like to be able to do.

And sadly, I don't feel like anyone really gets what this experience is like for me either, but honestly, how could I expect them too?!  It's not a common thing to go through, and it really isn't something I could have ever comprehended before either.

Still, knowing that others don't (and can't) understand, leaves me feeling very lonely.  Like I've got this huge mission in front of me, and I am forced to go on it completely alone, totally unprepared for it whatsoever.  I am winging it, and completely learning everything as I go.  I'm having to rely on God in ways that I truly never had to before, because really THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT to really get me through this!!

I feel there is purpose in this struggle though.  I feel that God is working very much in my life right now, and that this IS a journey meant for me alone.  He's refining me, and preparing me, and equipping me, but for what... it is to still be revealed.

So what kind of challenges am I dealing with right now as a result of this PE?  Well, let's see...

I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME.  Every single solitary action of my day, takes more energy than you would ever imagine.  My stamina is still hit very hard, and doing even the most mundane of things will wipe me out in ways that I just can not even explain.  Things as simple as taking a shower and getting ready require lots of time and lots of energy and lots of breaks.  And THAT'S before I've even really DONE anything!!

I have to choose carefully what I will do with each day, because one grocery trip or church service or just a day of trying to clean up can wipe my energy out for several days afterwards.

I get really frustrated and impatient with my body because I'm not understanding how it works right now.  I don't know how far is too far to push, and how much energy I really have...until I have gone too far and obviously pushed myself passed the limits, and then I'm stuck paying the price.

Just the other day, I went for a simple trip to Walmart to pick up some drinks.  By the time I had walked through the parking lot, walked across the store, and then to the back; I was out-of-breathe and my chest was really burning and hurting, and I was SOOOOO FRUSTRATED because this should not be that big of a deal...but it was.

I'm not used to these type of restrictions.  I have things that I want to do, places I want to go...but I can barely handle a simple trip to Walmart?!  How am I supposed to do anything, if I can't even handle that?!


I feel like I'm terrible at relationships right now too because my perspective is WAY different than it was just a few months ago.  I seem to expect way more out of people than what they are truly capable of giving.  And I'm giving them in return way more than they were prepared to get.

As an introvert, I've never been a fan of small talk anyway, but now even moreso because I want all of my relationships to have a much deeper meaning and connection.  And that leaves no place for small talk at all.

When I ask someone, "how you are doing"; I don't want to hear just "fine" or "good".  I want to KNOW what's going on with them.  What struggles are they currently facing?  What victories have they won?  In what way can I make a more positive impact in their lives?!  How can I make my time here with them count?!

And since, this is really not how most of the world functions in relationships, I'm coming off as possibly... pushy, creepy, weird.  Who even knows?  I just know that I'm too much work for most people right now!!  LOL

On the other hand, my life is also very centered right now on the daily struggles I'm facing, and I don't know how much to really share of that with other people.  I don't know how much others want to know before it feels like I'm just "seeking pity" rather than truly just sharing where I'm at right now.  And I also don't want to burden people with the responsibility of thinking that I expect them to "fix" this for me or make it better.  If I share, I'm usually just sharing just to get it out of my head, so I can think about something else for a while.

So, yeah, I don't really know how to talk to friends about my life right now because everyone has to be tired of hearing the same old news, and it can really bring the mood down.  I hate that.  That's not who I want to be.  I want to be the one lifting people up!!


I'm also feeling like a terrible mother right now too because, typically, I keep the summers fun and interesting for these kids.  For my own sanity, it's better to give them something to do than just let them run free and wild all day long, but I can't do anything that I would normally do right now.  I just don't have it in me.

It takes me a long time to finally get up and moving in the morning, and then I still have to lay back down and nap every afternoon.  I'm consistently late getting dinner finished most nights because it just takes so much effort to really make it happen.  And I've been basically cycling through a few basic recipes that are fairly low effort just to get by, so it's been pretty bland and boring in that way too for them.

What kills me is that my kids are growing so quickly, and I feel like I'm missing priceless opportunities with them.  That bothers me a lot, because I WANT so much MORE for them than what I am able to give them right now.


I really don't understand this season of my life right now, so that naturally frustrates me.  However, I do trust God completely with this!!


Earlier this year, I would say around February, God started stirring inside me in a way that I've never felt before.  There was a lot of unrest that I just couldn't explain.

I didn't know what, but I knew that God was about to do something MAJOR with my life, because I felt like the Holy Spirit was literally about to bust right out of my body.  I mentioned this just once to my husband one day, saying,"I don't know why, but I feel like God is about to really bust out in a very big way in my life."

He had no idea what to make of that statement, and the thing is...neither did I.

I knew our church was gearing up for a special revival, so I thought maybe it was related to that.  I had been asked to take on a new ministry opportunity through our church, so I questioned if it was possibly related to that.

Within weeks though, my life flipped in the most unexpected sort of way.  I had the pulmonary embolism event and everything that was normal and natural to me was now completely rearranged.  I struggle in ways that I've never had to struggle before.  And, I have no doubt whatsoever that this is all "part" of the work God is doing, even though it is extremely uncomfortable for me in this moment.

I'm eager to see what God is going to do with this.  I know without question that my efforts and sufferings won't be wasted, and I am honored to get to be a part of such a special mission in this great, big Kingdom Plan of His.

 All I ask is for people to pray for my strength through this journey.  I don't see the end yet, and that very much intimidates me, but thankfully my faith is strong and He is truly sustaining me each and every day without fail, giving me just what I need in each moment.  I'm so thankful for that.

I'm on a true mission to find myself right now, with no idea how it ends, but knowing without question that something wonderful will come out of this.

Oh my, I really have asked Him many times to take me deeper in my faith; 
and boy, has He ever come through on that one!!  I am truly in it deep now!!  So, definitely think long and hard about what you ask God for because you really may not be expecting the way He chooses to answer your requests. :)

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors...Life after P.E.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, combined with a lot of exhaustion.  I have seen so many doctors, and I am so tired of sitting in waiting areas...trying to find help with the kids so I can go to these appointments...and mostly re-telling my story and symptoms over and over again.

It is physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining!!

I first went to a post hospital check-up with my regular doctor.  Since the local hematologist had no answers for me as to why I had the P.E., it put my primary doctor on extra alert to try to help give me some answers.  During his exam, he noticed a couple of moles that looked very suspicious to him.  So, he decided to send me on to a dermatologist for a full skin check.  Basically, because cancer is one of the leading causes of unexplained pulmonary embolisms, so this definitely needed to be taken seriously and addressed quickly.

During that appointment he also decided to refer me to another hematologist for a second opinion, and also to a neurologist to better understand the myoclonic jerks that started after my P.E. and what we can do about them.

The dermatologist appointment was the one that was completely unexpected.  I didn't even want to consider that there was a possibility of cancer taking over my body to the point that it had already affected my blood without me even being aware of it.  Just the whole thought would crumple me in a ball, and leave me feeling like I needed to puke because I knew that if that WAS my answer to why I had the P.E., my life was about to get a LOT worse, and I just wasn't sure if I was prepared for the battle that would then ensue.

At that appointment, the dermatologist ended up taking 2 moles that showed strong signs for melanoma.  Not unexpected, but definitely not COMFORTING at all!!  And what was worse is that it was going to take 2 weeks before the lab results would be known.

Here are pics of the suspicious moles:

They went ahead and scheduled me to come back in 2 weeks later to go over my results, and that freaked me out even more because most people who had experience with mole removal said they were just called with the results, so WHY did I have an automatic appointment to review mine.  It took a lot to get through those two weeks because uncertainty sets my anxiety on overload, and sadly, I ended up BACK in the derm's office by the next week because one of my mole removal spots (the first pictured above) was not healing correctly and the pain just kept getting worse.

Here is a pretty gross picture of what that experience was like:

Evidently it was supposed to be pink and fleshy looking in the middle, and the other spot was, but this one was not and it was really painful and angry looking.  And it was aggravated even more by the fact that I am allergic to the adhesive from the band-aids, which just made for an even more miserable experience all around.

I am about a month out now, and though the other one has pretty well healed completely, this one is still not even close, and still just yuck.  Doesn't hurt as bad thankfully, but it is not pretty to look at, for sure.

Anyway, after that LONG 2 week wait, where I had completely prepared myself for the idea that at least one of them was going to come back positive for melanoma (because I'd rather believe the worst and hope for the best, than get knocked off my feet thinking everything was OK and then find out it wasn't), I finally got my results.

NO CANCER!!!  PRAISE THE LORD!!

The one that had trouble healing was actually completely fine, just had some fibrous tissue in it that made it look strange.  The other one (the dark, irregular shaped one) was a compound dysplastic nevus and that basically is a pre-cancerous spot.  It had not turned to cancer yet, but had a strong potential to and it did need to be removed.

I will go back for yearly skin checks now, and I am supposed to do monthly self checks to make sure no new moles are growing or old ones are changing.

Whew!  That was over!!

That same day, I went to the neurologist.  It was a decent appointment.  The best guess at this time is that I have postanoxic myoclonus and that's basically where your brain gets damaged due to lack of oxygen for a period of time.  It's considered common in people with pulmonary embolism, near drowning, or cardiac arrest.

It's curious in my case because I didn't have to be resuscitated or intubated, but without doing a ton of testing, this is the most likely explanation for now since they started directly after the P.E.  So, they are treating me with anti-seizure medication (levetiracetam/Keppra) for a few months to see if that improves them.  (Myoclonus is a form of seizure as well, but typically people with true myoclonic seizures get them in childhood, but they can be caused by brain injury.)

That med is actually helping quite a bit.  I still have some during each day, but it has slowed them way down, and I am able to sleep much easier now, thankfully, which is what I was really hoping for.

So, now marking cancer off my list (THANK YOU, JESUS) and getting my myoclonus treated, the next appointment was with another hematologist to hopefully help give me an idea of WHY the pulmonary embolism happened, and more importantly, how to keep it from happening again!

This appointment was sort of a nightmare.  For those who have never seen a hematologist (which is a blood doctor), they are usually both Oncologist and Hematologist.  And, of course, an oncologist is a doctor specialized to treat cancer.  So, going to a hematologist appointment is always intimidating for me because I have to share the waiting area with people who are going through all sorts of horrible and very scary things (not that my P.E. hasn't fit that same bill, obviously, it's just different), and it's just really humbling and overwhelming.  I can't help but feel blessed for my problems, but strangely guilty too all at the same time because it's not fair that these people have to go through whatever they are going through.

This appointment was at Vanderbilt Hospital, so that experience was just magnified that much more too.  The people coming here were numerous and obviously dealing with a very wide variety of horrible cancerous conditions.  And there I sat right in the middle of them, unable to ignore the magnitude of the problems these people are truly facing, and crumbling under my compassion for what these people must be really going through.  It's truly heartbreaking.

They told me to get there an hour before my appointment time because it would take that long to get registered.  And then told me to expect to be there for about 2-3 hours total, not knowing that every bit of that would be JUST WAITING to see a doctor.

My appointment was schedule for 12:00, so I had to be there at 11:00.  Not enough time to have lunch before going in.  And then I didn't even see the doctor until 2 p.m.  I had a headache starting the day out, but by the time he finally came in the room, I was in full blown migraine mode, and was so sick that I felt like I needed to puke.

I only really had one question for this doctor..."Why/how did this pulmonary embolism happen?"

My body has been strange for years, and I will tell you, I have had this weird feeling in my gut for a long time that I was going to die young.  It's just something that has been in the back of my mind for a long while that I just can't seem to shake, mainly because I have been through so many STRANGE, UNEXPLAINED, and SCARY events.  I've searched for answers many times, but I keep coming up empty.

The doctors tend to get focused on just one symptom going on with me, ignoring the big picture and how I have multi-system, unexplained dysfunction going on.

And the worst about it is that a lot of times it makes me feel like I'm crazy and that it's all just in my head.  Though, I know logically, these things and events are real and have happened!  It's just hard when you keep having weird stuff happen to you, and your doctors really just have no idea or any answers to offer at all.  It's helpless and lonely.

My current suspicion is that I have some auto-immune disorder, like possibly Lupus, that just has not been detected yet.  Honestly, I don't really care what answer or "label" they give me, I just need to know WHAT it is, so that I know HOW to treat it and prepare myself appropriately.

Sadly, by the time the doctor came in, within just seconds of him starting to talk, it was clear that he was not going to be able to (or even interested in) helping answer my biggest question.  He reminded me that for the majority of blood clots, there is usually no known cause (called unprovoked pulmonary embolism), and it just sort of happens in a "perfect storm" scenario.  But, we can't even explain what my "perfect storm" really was.

He was willing to reevaluate the need for continuing with blood thinners after 6 months, but wants me to see a cardiologist for testing first.  He said ultimately the decision would be left to me depending on what risks was I more willing to live with...risk of clotting again by coming off of the meds or risk of severe bleeds for being left on the meds.  And with someone with history of BOTH of these scary events, HOW am I supposed to make a decision like that?!

And he said that it just depended on what my "goal" was.  If my "goal" was never to clot again, then I should stay on the blood thinners.

Since my head was splitting in two at that moment, I couldn't even think through half a thought in that room.  However, as I've thought about those words since, I know what my "GOAL" is now though, and I'm not sure why this might seem strange or unreasonable, and really it should have been pretty obvious to any doctor.

My GOAL is to be HEALTHY and hopefully be able to live long enough to see my children grow up.  That's my goal.  Whatever has the best possibility of getting me THERE!!

He said, "You seem to be having a hard time accepting that there just really isn't an answer to give for this sort of thing, and I don't know how to help you with that."

And he's right, I DO HAVE a hard time accepting that, since this is MY LIFE we are talking about and it's ME that has to live with the consequences of what happens because of whatever is going on within me and the choices we make on handling it.  And I really don't think that's unreasonable!!

My life has been changed significantly because of this, and I just don't know what the best thing to do is.  I'm tired of chasing rabbits.  I'm tired of doctor appointments and dead ends.  I'm tired of being only 35 and what should be the prime of my life, and feeling like I'm dealing with things that I shouldn't even have to think about for at least 30 more years.  Not even feeling comfortable planning for the future at all, because I don't really feel like I'm even going to be here for it.  I know we all have to remember and be prepared for the fact that none of us are promised tomorrow, but I just feel like my chances are much higher than average right now that my tomorrows really are greatly, greatly limited.

I feel like it is seriously going to take me dying in order to be taken seriously by these doctors, because obviously ALMOST dying isn't enough.  And I wish that even if I couldn't get an answer to help improve my own health, I could at least get some answers for my children so THEY won't have to go through all of the crazy and scary things I have had to too.

So, yeah, a lot of this post isn't really cheerful, I know.  I'm sorry.  I'm just tired and confused and I'm on day 2 of a monster of a headache, but I'm still trying to push forward no matter, and just live each day the best that I can.

The one thing that keeps me sane and strong through all of this though, is that I know that God is in control.  If I didn't have that, I would be a real mess.  I obviously can't put my faith in the medical community because they are just human...just like me, and with that comes obvious limitations.  But, Jesus...the Creator of the universe...can be trusted.  He knows exactly what is going on with me, and He is with me every step of this.  He knows my tendencies, He knows my fears, He knows what I need, and He knows what my kids need.  No matter what happens in my life, I have been assured that He is working it for my good (Romans 8:28).  So, I don't have to fear tomorrow, because He has given me the ultimate Hope and promise of His eternal love (John 3:16-17)!!

Thank you, Lord, for just continuing to be with me through it all.  I know You are good, You are faithful, and You can be trusted.  Please sustain my strength and faith in my moments of weakness and fear.  Let me feel Your presence with me always, and help lead me in the paths that You need me to go and equip me to do the work that You have called for me to do.  I thank You, and praise You always!!  In Jesus precious name, I pray. AMEN!!

I also thought I would share some of the CT pics here from the night I was admitted in the hospital for the pulmonary embolism.  The actual scan had 100s of pics on it, because a CT is a slice-by-slice image of the body.  So, these were a few that really stood out to me:

Life after Pulmonary Embolism (PE)

In the days that followed my diagnosis, I scoured the internet to find out what did this news mean for me?  It was clear that for many people (1 out of every 3), PE meant death (and for 1 in every 4 INSTANT death!), but what about the other 2/3's.  Did life resume as normal?  How serious was this diagnosis if you actually survived long enough to get the diagnosis?

Since this was something that was of great interest to me, I want to do my part too by sharing my story for others that may need it as well.  I am nearing the month point from when my PE actually hit (3/22/15).

I'll start with my release from the hospital.  They let me out after 6 long days, and I was SOOOO ready to go.  To be released, I had to prove that I could keep my oxygen SATS up above 90 (because they had been dropping into the 80s every time I would get up), and my heart was still racing to the 130s and 150s too.  They expected time and rest to help resolve these issues the most.

When they released me, I was still having to take the Lovenox shots for the rest of that week (5 more days at home).  So, I got the fun experience of giving myself shots in my belly TWICE a day for each of those days.

The idea really freaked me out.  I wasn't sure if I would be able to really do it, so I told my husband to be prepared to give them to me if I couldn't.  He had his own experience with this sort of thing, because after his stroke and diagnosis of diabetes, he had to give himself insulin shots for a while.

I was brave, and was able to give them to myself though.  The needle itself did not hurt, but the medicine did.  It wasn't even immediate pain.  It took about a minute for it really kick in, and then it was doubling me over.  I HATED those shots!!  In the hospital and out!!  Thankfully, I found a spot on my belly that didn't seem to hurt as bad, and I tried to stay close to that.

At the same time as taking the Lovenox shots, I had to take oral meds too.  We chose Xarelto over the Coumadin because it kept me from having to have the weekly blood draws.  Unfortunately, Xarelto is a lot more expensive though, but with our insurance we still thought it was manageable for us to pay $45 a month for that medicine and NOT have to go to the doc weekly for the blood draws, than to cheap out, and still need to watch my INR levels so closely.

The other thing with Coumadin is that you have to watch what you eat too, because Vitamin K can throw your levels off.  The things that I would have to refrain from happen to be some of my favorite foods!  Broccoli, cabbage, turnip greens, spinach....ALL THE GREEN VEGGIES!!  :(  However, with Xarelto, you don't have those same restrictions.

The pills aren't bad; they are small.  And honestly, I can't tell any side effects from them at all, other than bleeding a little more from the tiniest cuts, of course.

Because I am on blood thinners now, the doctors told me that I needed to be wearing a medical alert bracelet, so I had my mom make me a beautiful one.  She has her own jewelry making business, and is so very talented in coming up with beautiful and personally created designs.  (You can check her out at Tazzy's Lanyards and More if you are interested.)

 

Once I got re-settled at home, it was time for lots of doctor appointments to begin.  The first one was with the hematologist.  They had run several blood tests for the most common clotting disorders while I was still in the hospital, and he seemed certain one of them was going to come back positive.  However, none did.

Everyone seems perplexed over this because I have no risks factors for this to have happened to me.  No family history, don't smoke, not overweight, had not been on any long trips, and most shockingly to me--the surgery that I had (septoplasty) was NOT one that should have caused this to happen.  Typically they come from surgeries to the legs or abdomen.

My legs were scanned while I was still in the hospital, and they came out clear.  I had no leg pain or signs at all to believe that I had developed any DVTs prior to the PE.  I didn't just lay around after my surgery, and the surgery itself was a day surgery, so I was out and back home pretty quickly.

So, with all of that, the hematologist just said that I have a case of "unprovoked pulmonary embolism", to which he said that given my age and history, his recommendation is for me to stay on the blood thinners indefinitely...unless and until I do get an answer.

He ran a few more blood tests, but didn't expect them to come back with anything because I didn't have symptoms of those disorders either.

The hardest part of that visit (besides not getting any answers), was that he gave me a copy of my CT Scan report, and reading the findings in writing made it all so real how serious this really was.

 

"Mulitple.  Bilateral.  Several.  Large.  Arteries completely or nearly filled by the emboli."

It was sobering to say the least.

I've since had a visit with the ENT that did my nose surgery, and also my family doctor.  My PCP has referred me off to even more specialists now too.  I will be getting a second opinion from a hematologist through Vanderbilt.  I have to see a neurologist because I've been having bad myoclonic jerks every night since the PE hit, and we need to make sure it's not seizures, and figure out the best way to treat them so that I can get some sleep.  And then to add insult to injury, my PCP found a couple of suspicious looking moles on me during his exam, and he wants me to get seen next week by a dermatologist to rule out skin cancer!

Oh my!  I was a mess after that appointment.  So much, so fast and I was barely able to handle all that I already was dealing with.  I really can't tell you how many times now that I sit and think, "I can't believe this really happened!"

Every time I gave myself a shot or took my pills..."I can't believe this really happened."

Every time I was short of breathe and could feel the heaviness in my chest again..."I can't believe this really happened."

Every time I lay down to sleep and my body starts jerking together every couple of minutes for an hour or more as I try to fall asleep making it REALLY hard to actually fall asleep...."I can't BELIEVE this REALLY happened."

And then, just every time I go to another doctor appointment and have to re-tell the story, it just hits me all over again!

The day I went in to my family doctor for the first time since my diagnosis was very emotional.  The last time I had went in was pretty scary for me.  I went in thinking I had asthma or bronchitis or something like that, and I was immediately sent to the hospital with a full fledged life-threatening emergency.

My anxiety was through the roof, and my BP and heartrate proved it.  The nurse though was so happy to see me.  She said that they had checked on me daily while I was at the hospital because they were so worried for me.  She said that they KNEW when they were sending me over to the ER that it was PE, but I just really had NO IDEA at all.  My DENIAL was STRONG!!  :)

I think the hardest part about life after PE is just how little people really know about it.  I myself had BARELY even heard of it before, and really didn't know anything.  I knew that it was potentially fatal, but I didn't even understand fully what it even was.

What's hard is that so many people (myself included) don't realize how LONG a recovery from PE really is.  Since the blood thinners really aren't doing anything to the clots that you already have, they are just preventing new one from forming; you are still left with a lot of the same symptoms that forced you to seek treatment to begin with, like the shortness of breath, chest pain and heaviness, rapid heartrate and low oxygen SATs, and for me these nightly jerks too....as well as a new HUGE ANXIETY over ever clotting again.

With time, the body does re-absorb these clots, and the symptoms will get better, but depending on how much damage was done during the PE, some symptoms may be permanent.

The other thing that I have found hard is how many people comment to me that I "don't look sick".  :)

I know that it's meant as a compliment, but it leaves me feeling strange, because I don't know what I'm "supposed" to look like.  And it also makes me feel like people may think that because I "don't look sick" that I should be able to do a lot more than I really am able to right now.

I have severe social anxiety anyway, so I'm constantly concerned with what other people think of me (even though I know that I shouldn't be).  So to have the extra attention this brings makes me extremely self-conscious right now.  I am sure that most people aren't thinking anything negative at all, and are not really even paying attention to what I am or am not doing, but these thoughts are still hard for me to handle some days because I feel like I'm not living up to expectations or something.  LOL

As far as what I can do, I'm able to do anything really, but my stamina is what is hit the hardest.  I can walk just fine, but if I walk too far or too fast, I get very winded and my heart starts racing.  I can do the laundry or sweep floors, but I have to sit down very often.  I have been using a chair in the kitchen when I have cooked so I can sit in-between stirring.

I allowed myself to just rest the first week home, but starting with the second week, I gave myself weekly goals of what I wanted to accomplish.  The first goal I had was that I needed to get back into the schooling since my children are homeschooled.  So, that was my only focus that week.  Then the next week, I added in a few loads of laundry.  And I will continue with this plan, pushing myself slowly, but a little more each week, until I get mostly back to my regular routine.

I also take a nap every day from about 1-3, and then I'm usually ready to go to bed by 9 p.m. every night.  So, basically for now, I'm just resting as much as I can, and not requiring more of myself than absolutely necessary.

Every day I feel a little better, a little stronger, and a little braver.  So, I feel like with time I really will get through this.  God has continued to be my strength through every single bit of this, and I truly do NOT know how I would have managed without it.

I see life and death so much differently right now too.  I'm less scared of death, honestly, because I came to truly realize that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over it.  It is a certainty for all of us, and even if I missed it this go round, it does not mean that I am exempt forever.  One day, I will die, and I have to be ready for it no matter when it may come.  And going through this experience, really made me have to FACE head-on how ready and how confident I REALLY WAS with my eternity.  My faith has only gotten stronger, and I am so very thankful for the peace and assurance that only comes from trusting God.  And I sure hope that anyone who reads this has that same peace as well.

As I continue this journey, I am sure I will write more, but I think this is enough for today.  :)


Here are some other pictures through my PE experience and recovery:

This girl was 2 days post PE, and didn't even know it yet.

The ER was so busy the night I went in that they had to put me in a pediatric room.  :)

At the hospital, and truly just happy to be alive.

A special homecoming snuggle!!

The face of a Pulmonary Embolism Survivor!


I heard this song playing while I was in the hospital and it stopped me in my tracks, I felt every single word came right out of my own heart.  <3

The night I could have died...

Boy, has this been quite a memorable week for my family.  My family has BEEN through stuff.  I have two kids who were hospitalized a week each with asthma issues, and my husband had a stroke at 30 years old.  Yes, some big, scary moments!!  Ones I would not wish on any other person!!

Well, this week was centered around me.

A week ago today, Sunday, March 22, 2015, I had a pulmonary embolism...and I'm still here to tell about it.  Praise the Lord for His mercy.


How in the world does a fairly healthy 35 year old stay-at-home mom end up in such a life-threatening situation?

The answers are still lingering.  One thing we know, is that I had had nasal surgery (septoplasty and turbinate reduction) five days before.  I was doing well through it though.  I still had nose splints in, and could not breathe at all through my nose, but I was doing well for the point I was post surgery.

In fact, that day I felt well enough that I decided to go to church.  It was my first outing since the surgery.  I was still easily exhausted, but I really did feel like I was on the downhill swing from this thing.  That I had conquered the worst, and made it through.

You just don't know, what you just don't know though.

That night I went to bed, was still sleeping reclined as I had been instructed.  It took me a long time to fall asleep, as usual, but at some point, I obviously had.  Because in an INSTANT, I was jolted wide awake because my lungs had just completely stopped.

I sat up trying to gasp, breathe, anything, and I wasn't able to get any air at all.  It was like someone had taken plastic wrap and covered my airway.  Also, at the very moment I was jolted, I remember this very distinct sound and feeling of "whoosh" that went with it, that was part of what jolted me alert.

After several seconds (that seemed much longer), I finally got a cough to come out, and then coughed like crazy trying to catch my breathe.  The adrenaline was definitely pumping, and my brain was on overdrive trying to decide "WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME?!"

I sat there with my heart beating out of my chest for a few minutes, and took a drink and decided I must have choked on my saliva or something.  I mean, I even wondered if a fly had flown in my mouth since I was mouth breathing so much.  LOL  I had no idea what to think about it.

I took a drink to wet my throat, and then I laid back down to sleep.  When we got up that morning, I told my husband that I thought I had had a sleep apnea episode that night.  I sort of laughed about it, and said, "Yeah, I don't know.  I just stopped breathing for a second, and it took me a minute to catch my breathe.  I'm surprised I didn't wake you."

I didn't think anything more of it, honestly.  It was scary, but it was over quickly, and I did catch my breathe, so all was OK...so I thought.

However, the next morning, I realized that I had a heaviness in my chest, almost like when a chest cold sets in overnight.  I just thought, "Uggggghhhhh!!!  I feel bad" but never related it to the event the night before.  I realized that day too that I was having trouble breathing, but if I was setting up a chest cold, then that would make sense.

Since I already had a post-op appointment for the next day with a doctor, I just decided that if was still feeling bad tomorrow, I would bring it up to him, and see if it's something to worry about.  Well, the next day, I was still feeling bad.  I was having real trouble doing anything, really.  I was getting completely out-of-breathe just walking across the floor.  It was strange.  I didn't know what was going on.

So, at the doctor's appointment, I brought it up.  I said that I had this weird heaviness in my chest, and was having some trouble breathing.

He told me that it was common to get drainage with the type of surgery I had, and that he thought I'd be feeling a lot better when he took the nose splints out.  So, without doing any type of physical exam of me by checking my vitals or anything, he pulled out the splints, and then said, "See you in a month."

So, I thought then that if he wasn't concerned, then I guess I shouldn't be.  My husband, however, was EXTREMELY concerned.  He wanted to take me to the E.R. right then because he said I was pale as a ghost.  I'm a white-white-white girl though, so pale as a ghost is kind of my thing.  :)

I said I wanted to see how I did with the splints out.  See if it really did help.  The next day though, I was still feeling just as bad.  I had a counseling appointment that afternoon, and the walk it took me from the parking lot, up some stairs, to her office, had me so breathless that it took me a good five minutes to catch my breathe.  She looked concerned for me, saying, "Breathe...just breathe!  Calm down and breathe."

And I told her, "I'm trying, I've just been having some difficulties these last few days.  I just had surgery, and I think I'm setting up something in my lungs."

I knew then that I needed to really see a doc for answers.  That was definitely not normal.  It was past office hours by the time I got home that day, so I decided to just wait and call first thing in the morning to our family doctor.  They had caught wheezing issues with me before, so I felt confident they could help me out.

First thing the next morning, Thursday, March 26, 2015, I called our family doctor.  They couldn't get me in until 3:30 p.m., but I took it because I knew I really needed to be seen.  I also decided that day to take my kids to the park for lunch because I felt bad that for the past two weeks I had been feeling so bad with my recovery, we hadn't done anything.  It was a beautiful day, and I wanted them to get to do something fun.  It was tough on me, but I just sat on a bench and watched while they played.  I didn't stay long, and was exhausted by the time I got home.

My appointment time finally arrived, and off I went to the doctor with my 6 and 4 year olds in tow.  It was a long wait at the office that day, and I had to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room before even being called back.  The nurse was taking my vitals, and asked me what I was coming in for.  I said that I had recently had surgery, and that I was having some chest heaviness with some breathing troubles.  I told her I thought it might be an asthma attack or something like that.  The next thing she stares hard at me, and said, "Do you normally have high blood pressure?!"

I told her that I didn't, and then her whole facial countenance changed to a very, very concerned look.  I didn't know what to think.  It wasn't long before I had two doctors come in the room listening to my lungs, and they said, "It sounds tight, but we don't hear any wheezes or crackles."

Then they dropped the bomb.  My BP had ran 160/90 that day.  My oxygen was at 93%, and my pulse was racing in the 150's.  The doc told me I needed to go directly to the ER because I was showing all the signs and symptoms of a pulmonary embolism.  She said, "I'm not saying that's what it is, but if it is, that's a very serious condition, and we really need to get it ruled out quickly.  The quickest way is to be checked out through the ER."

So, off to the ER I went.  My husband met me at the hospital to take the kids to our neighbor, and then I went on in to wait to be seen there.  They were very busy there that night too, so I had a long wait even for that.  There was a big, red sign on the front desk that said, "If you are having chest pains and difficulty breathing, you need to let us know immediately."

I did tell them that, but it didn't change how long I waited.  I think they looked at me, and thought here is a young 30 year old woman, probably just trolling the ER for drugs.  It happens so much that those of us who are NOT like that, are still treated with the same stigma.

After having a few tests,(EKG, chest x-ray, and blood tests) the doc said that my blood test (D-Dimer) had indicated probability of a clot.  So, it was then that I had to have a CT Scan of my chest done (with and without iodine).  I was scared now.  This was obviously not just a normal congestion, bronchitis, pneumonia, or asthma issue.  This was that "worst case moment" coming to life.

As I lay on the CT table being scanned, Jesus and I had a long talk.  I grabbed hold of His hand right then and there, and knew I had no choice but to completely trust Him in however this would turn out.  I knew something was wrong with me.  I needed an answer, even if it was a hard answer.

I put complete trust that if God had decided that my time was up, that He had an even better plan for my kids than anything that I myself could give for them with me here.  I didn't want to leave them, but I accepted peace in that moment over my own life and death, and over their lives.

I did shed a few small tears in that moment from fear, but overall, God kept me AMAZINGLY strong through it.  He was there for me, no question about it.

It wasn't long before a doctor came in and let me know that the scan had come back positive for clots in my lungs (multiple clots in both lungs), and that I was definitely going to be admitted, and started on blood thinners right away.  I actually got my first dose, right there in the E.R.

I've been learning all I can these days that I've spent in the hospital, trying to prepare myself for what life is like post-pulmonary embolism.  I'm feeling tons of emotions.

The first night was when I had realized that that strange moment on Sunday night was the actual moment this all happened, and I replayed it a thousand times over with more and more realization every time.

The one comfort I can bring from it, is that, if I had died that night, I believe it would have truly been quick and painless.  It came upon me so fast, I didn't have time to be afraid.  The fear didn't set in until I got my breathe back.  And I was not in any pain whatsoever, I just couldn't breathe.  So, that's comforting.

Then I think about it from the perspective of my family, and it becomes horribly terrifying for them.  My husband didn't wake up from all of the coughing and hacking I did when I did catch my breathe, so if I hadn't caught my breathe, I doubt he would have woken then either.  So, to him I would have unexplainably just died in my sleep.  That's horrible for him.  He wouldn't have had a clue what happened.  I was fine, and then I wasn't.  No warning AT ALL!!

The other thought that gets to me is that the way most mornings work is that at the very crack of dawn my 4 year old daughter comes and crawls in bed with me.  That morning would not have been any different, and so she would likely have been the first to discover that something was wrong with me.  I doubt she would have understood, but she would have been very frustrated with me, and the scene would have been really dramatic and horrible as it continued to unfold.

For some reason though, that's not how the night went, and God showed great mercy to me, I suppose because He still has big plans for me to accomplish.  My work is not done.  So, now I need to get busy for God.  I need to make good of this gift He has given me.

While I'm in the hospital, my kids are spread out between relatives having the time of their lives.  They don't know the scary stuff that's all happened.  They just know that Mom is sick and in the hospital.  But, as I said, we've been down this road as a family before, so it was old hat to them.

As I was looking at this picture today of my little two watching a movie, and having fun with their cousins, I looked at their eyes and their happy faces, and just thought, "Wow,  This week could have been very, very different for them."

Just praise God they didn't have to go through that.  My life will end when God decides, and I am prepared any day that it may be.  I have peace in my heart over my eternity.  So, I'm not afraid to die at all.  I'm afraid of PAIN, but I'm not afraid of death.  However, I obviously really do not want to burden my family with that type of trauma and grief to have to carry for the rest of their lives.  But, I do still have peace that IF it is decided that my time is done, God is going to take care of my family and help see them through.

He is good.  He is faithful.  And I trust Him with my life and with my death.  AMEN!