Can't you just see the exhaustion of it all in my face?
One minute, I'm overwhelmingly grateful for this life and all the happiness and joys and mercies that I've been blessed to experience. The next minute, I'm at the bottom of the pit; feeling incredibly alone, defeated, and insecure. I truly don't know which way I'm going right now.
I don't make sense to me, so how could I possibly make sense to others?!
I truly desire to live life more fully than I have ever allowed myself to before, because I've SEEN how quickly it can be taken from you, and I get--more than ever--how precious each day is. However, what tends to bring me down are the continued physical limitations that I'm still dealing with daily that keep me from being able to DO all that I really would like to be able to do.
And sadly, I don't feel like anyone really gets what this experience is like for me either, but honestly, how could I expect them too?! It's not a common thing to go through, and it really isn't something I could have ever comprehended before either.
Still, knowing that others don't (and can't) understand, leaves me feeling very lonely. Like I've got this huge mission in front of me, and I am forced to go on it completely alone, totally unprepared for it whatsoever. I am winging it, and completely learning everything as I go. I'm having to rely on God in ways that I truly never had to before, because really THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT to really get me through this!!
I feel there is purpose in this struggle though. I feel that God is working very much in my life right now, and that this IS a journey meant for me alone. He's refining me, and preparing me, and equipping me, but for what... it is to still be revealed.
So what kind of challenges am I dealing with right now as a result of this PE? Well, let's see...
I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. Every single solitary action of my day, takes more energy than you would ever imagine. My stamina is still hit very hard, and doing even the most mundane of things will wipe me out in ways that I just can not even explain. Things as simple as taking a shower and getting ready require lots of time and lots of energy and lots of breaks. And THAT'S before I've even really DONE anything!!
I have to choose carefully what I will do with each day, because one grocery trip or church service or just a day of trying to clean up can wipe my energy out for several days afterwards.
I get really frustrated and impatient with my body because I'm not understanding how it works right now. I don't know how far is too far to push, and how much energy I really have...until I have gone too far and obviously pushed myself passed the limits, and then I'm stuck paying the price.
Just the other day, I went for a simple trip to Walmart to pick up some drinks. By the time I had walked through the parking lot, walked across the store, and then to the back; I was out-of-breathe and my chest was really burning and hurting, and I was SOOOOO FRUSTRATED because this should not be that big of a deal...but it was.
I'm not used to these type of restrictions. I have things that I want to do, places I want to go...but I can barely handle a simple trip to Walmart?! How am I supposed to do anything, if I can't even handle that?!
I feel like I'm terrible at relationships right now too because my perspective is WAY different than it was just a few months ago. I seem to expect way more out of people than what they are truly capable of giving. And I'm giving them in return way more than they were prepared to get.
As an introvert, I've never been a fan of small talk anyway, but now even moreso because I want all of my relationships to have a much deeper meaning and connection. And that leaves no place for small talk at all.
When I ask someone, "how you are doing"; I don't want to hear just "fine" or "good". I want to KNOW what's going on with them. What struggles are they currently facing? What victories have they won? In what way can I make a more positive impact in their lives?! How can I make my time here with them count?!
And since, this is really not how most of the world functions in relationships, I'm coming off as possibly... pushy, creepy, weird. Who even knows? I just know that I'm too much work for most people right now!! LOL
On the other hand, my life is also very centered right now on the daily struggles I'm facing, and I don't know how much to really share of that with other people. I don't know how much others want to know before it feels like I'm just "seeking pity" rather than truly just sharing where I'm at right now. And I also don't want to burden people with the responsibility of thinking that I expect them to "fix" this for me or make it better. If I share, I'm usually just sharing just to get it out of my head, so I can think about something else for a while.
So, yeah, I don't really know how to talk to friends about my life right now because everyone has to be tired of hearing the same old news, and it can really bring the mood down. I hate that. That's not who I want to be. I want to be the one lifting people up!!
I'm also feeling like a terrible mother right now too because, typically, I keep the summers fun and interesting for these kids. For my own sanity, it's better to give them something to do than just let them run free and wild all day long, but I can't do anything that I would normally do right now. I just don't have it in me.
It takes me a long time to finally get up and moving in the morning, and then I still have to lay back down and nap every afternoon. I'm consistently late getting dinner finished most nights because it just takes so much effort to really make it happen. And I've been basically cycling through a few basic recipes that are fairly low effort just to get by, so it's been pretty bland and boring in that way too for them.
What kills me is that my kids are growing so quickly, and I feel like I'm missing priceless opportunities with them. That bothers me a lot, because I WANT so much MORE for them than what I am able to give them right now.
I really don't understand this season of my life right now, so that naturally frustrates me. However, I do trust God completely with this!!
Earlier this year, I would say around February, God started stirring inside me in a way that I've never felt before. There was a lot of unrest that I just couldn't explain.
I didn't know what, but I knew that God was about to do something MAJOR with my life, because I felt like the Holy Spirit was literally about to bust right out of my body. I mentioned this just once to my husband one day, saying,"I don't know why, but I feel like God is about to really bust out in a very big way in my life."
He had no idea what to make of that statement, and the thing is...neither did I.
I knew our church was gearing up for a special revival, so I thought maybe it was related to that. I had been asked to take on a new ministry opportunity through our church, so I questioned if it was possibly related to that.
Within weeks though, my life flipped in the most unexpected sort of way. I had the pulmonary embolism event and everything that was normal and natural to me was now completely rearranged. I struggle in ways that I've never had to struggle before. And, I have no doubt whatsoever that this is all "part" of the work God is doing, even though it is extremely uncomfortable for me in this moment.
I'm eager to see what God is going to do with this. I know without question that my efforts and sufferings won't be wasted, and I am honored to get to be a part of such a special mission in this great, big Kingdom Plan of His.
All I ask is for people to pray for my strength through this journey. I don't see the end yet, and that very much intimidates me, but thankfully my faith is strong and He is truly sustaining me each and every day without fail, giving me just what I need in each moment. I'm so thankful for that.
I'm on a true mission to find myself right now, with no idea how it ends, but knowing without question that something wonderful will come out of this.
Oh my, I really have asked Him many times to take me deeper in my faith;
and boy, has He ever come through on that one!! I am truly in it deep now!! So, definitely think long and hard about what you ask God for because you really may not be expecting the way He chooses to answer your requests. :)
and boy, has He ever come through on that one!! I am truly in it deep now!! So, definitely think long and hard about what you ask God for because you really may not be expecting the way He chooses to answer your requests. :)
