I have continued to struggle this past month coming to an acceptance of my current limitations, and trying to learn how to cope with it the best I can.
This past week I had a few more doctor appointments, which brought me down a little bit again.
The first appointment was a checkup with my regular doctor. He was surprised that I was still so symptomatic and that my daily life was still so greatly affected at this point out (which is now over 3 months since the PE hit.)
So, he was glad that I already had an appointment scheduled with a cardiologist because he was concerned that my heart may have been affected during this. He also scheduled me with yet another specialist (It's a new hobby for me, I'm trying to collect them all!), this time a rheumatologist. This will be to check for any kind of underlying auto-immune issue that may be going on that could explain things for me. We are basically just trying to do our best to figure my health mystery out.
I saw the cardiologist on Friday, and he was concerned that my heart-rate was still so fast at this point too, and that I'm still having shortness of breathe and chest pain with any real movement. He did an EKG in the office, but he also wants to run some more tests too. He sent me home wearing a 48 hour heart monitor, that is pictured above. And then they are setting up another CT scan and an echo-cardiogram.
The biggest concern is that I've moved over to pulmonary hypertension now, which would not be a good thing. However, if that is what it is, there is treatment for it that can help me to cope better with it, and not to mention, knowing for sure what I'm dealing with can help me appropriately adjust my expectations for my recovery.
As I mentioned in my last post, the few times I tried to shop by myself did not go well, so I got really down about it. I hate being a burden on other people, and I hate not being able to just go somewhere if I want to. So, I've been pretty home-bound (except for doctor appointments) since March, and I was starting to go stir crazy.
A few weeks ago, I tried to be brave. Since I knew that I couldn't manage walking all over the store on my own without causing extreme shortness of breathe, chest pain, and dizziness, yet I WANTED to get out of the house and actually be a part of the world again; I decided to go to Walmart with my family to grocery shop...using a wheelchair.
It did not go well for me.
I am not ready for that, and all that comes with that. If that's where I have to be eventually, then that's what I will do. This particular day, however, I was NOT ready!! I do not like attention drawn to me at all, and using a wheelchair pretty much guarantees that you will draw attention. Most people were very respectful and nice. Children had obvious curiosity that was to be expected, but the part that seriously threw me over the edge, was when I ran into someone that I knew.
I was really hoping to get in and out without seeing anyone, and just prove to myself that I could be brave and do this and that I didn't have to hide out in my house all the time. However, the minute that my friend recognized me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She came running over to me saying, "Oh my gosh, are you OK?! What happened?!"
This friend had known about my PE, but the thing is, she has seen me since I was released from the hospital when I've gone to church, and she knows that I am ABLE to walk (which is probably the most humiliating part about using the wheelchair, because my legs are FINE...it's my heart and lungs that are not!). I just explained that my heart still races whenever I get up and move, and that at this time I'm still not able to make it through a whole grocery trip without needing to sit and catch my breathe frequently. She seemed to understand, and I know that she was not judging me whatsoever, but it was still so mortifying for me. I wasn't ready to be THAT person.
It threw me into a pretty intense anxiety/panic attack, and I just buried myself in the bed when we got home, literally shaking and feeling sick all over because of it. I never wanted to leave the house again, honestly!! LOL
In the past month too, a lot of those close to me who know how much I'm still struggling have been suggesting that I get a handicapped tag for my car so I don't have to walk too far to get into places, and they also keep encouraging me that there is no shame in using the wheelchair if that's what I need to do.
However, it's just not been that easy for me. Just a few months ago, I was NOT this "disabled" person, and I'm not ready to accept yet that I might be. Weekly, I would be grocery shopping with four kids in tow like it was nothing, and now I can't even make through the parking lot without it being an issue for me. I have to have help with everything. I can't keep up on all the housework by myself. When I try to be productive, I quickly wear myself out and then become useless for the next several days. So, it's been so defeating for me to even consider that my life may never get back to what was "normal" for me.
I will obviously handle it, if that is where this path takes me, but I'm not ready to accept it yet. And I think that is my biggest push against this whole "handicapped tag" and "wheelchair" use thing. I think it makes me feel too much like I've given up, and that the hope of getting better is gone. I don't know. I just know that I'm not ready for that yet. So, I'm going to keep pushing myself the best I can, and keep looking for answers as I have been, and hopefully things will finally start improving soon.
I know there are so many people that have it so much worse than me right now, and I'm very grateful that my problems aren't bigger, of course. However, I'm still struggling with how much my life has changed in such a short time, and it makes it harder that I don't even have real answers for WHY? No one can give me a good expectation of what my healing and recovery should really be like. And my mind really STRUGGLES with "unknowns". I don't like surprises!! I need to be prepared and know what's coming, but sometimes that's just not possible. So, I am really trying to work on being OK with that.
There will undoubtedly be a new person who comes out on the other side from this because I can feel changes already taking place, and I can't even imagine what she will be like. She'll be tougher and stronger than ever, I know that for sure. I doubt she'll ever really be fearless, but hopefully, she will realize that even when things are scary to her, she will be OK, and that with God's help, she can do so much more than she ever gave herself credit for before. That's my hope, anyway.
Watch out world, this girl is going to be absolutely FIERCE when all is said and done!!! She's definitely got more fight in her than she ever knew before. :)
