A daughter whose father let her down, time and again due to his struggles with addiction, yet has never lost hope for him and the relationship that she always wanted to have with him.
When I read a blog post earlier titled, "To the Parent Who Chose Addiction", I liked what the author was trying to do, but I felt a need to personalize this same topic to my own situation, because I couldn't 100% agree with all that she had said.
See, she started hers off with this line, "When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you."
Those words immediately gave me pause, because I can't say that I've ever felt that way about you. When I was young I wanted you, and more than anything, I wanted you to WANT me. I didn't hate you. I loved you, missed you, and didn't understand why you didn't seem to reciprocate those feelings.
As I grew older, your choices became even more confusing to me, especially when I became a parent myself. There is not a thing in this earth that would keep me away from being with, there, and for my children. The love I feel for them makes my heart nearly explode. I worry each day about being a good enough parent to them, and feel the pressure of trying to shape and guide them into strong, dependable, reliable members of society that exude integrity, love, and compassion.
That's a huge task for any parent, and maybe the pressure of that level of responsibility was too much for you, and you felt that if you couldn't do it right, then why bother trying at all. I don't know, only you can tell what went through your mind during the time you started choosing your addiction over your family.
The thing is, even through your choice of addiction over me, somehow I did become the type of person that I described above, in a way that I'm sure couldn't have happened without the experiences that your choices brought to my life.
When you chose addiction over being there for my birth...
I was forced on a journey to understand that my worth and value were not dependent on my parents or other people in this earth. I had to find it through internal and supernatural sources. I didn't know it at the time, but every time that you stepped out, God stepped in. Every moment that He offered to you to beam with pride over me, He stood in your place, so that none of my important moments ever went unnoticed or unappreciated.
When you chose addiction over my childhood...
I realized that I was smart, talented, and capable of doing amazing and wonderful things, whether I had proud parents rooting me on or not. I became determined to reach my full potential, which at the time I thought would impress you, but honestly, instead I impressed myself as I continued to pull it off. I don't know if you even know this, but as a young child in elementary school, when my life at home was a total wreck, I tested into the Gifted program at my school which brought tremendous pride to me, because with that honor it affirmed that I was special and other people could see it too, even if you didn't notice or appreciate that.
When you chose addiction over my teen years...
Me at my first job, a waitress at 15. I was terrible at it. :)
You missed the opportunity to express to me my value and importance, when I needed it most. You didn't share with me the treasure that I was, and that not just any guy deserved to be with me. I had no idea what traits or values I really needed to look for in my future spouse, and you were not there to help guide me in that process... to look out for me, when my emotions were talking louder than my reasoning. I admit that I made mistakes in my judgement during this time, but thankfully, none that were too damaging to my long-term goals and success. At the time that my life was being bombarded the most by these life-shaping decisions, you weren't there to guide me. Yet, somehow I found my way, not by mistake, but by my internal guide that had been with me all along calling out to me to follow Him, and so that's exactly what I did.
Prom with Greg
When you chose your addiction over my early adult years...
By then, I no longer expected you to be there for any of my important moments, though I would still always invite you. I'd always promise myself that I wouldn't let my feelings get hurt when you wouldn't show up, but it was never a promise I could actually keep. I knew how you were, but I also knew how I desperately WISHED you would be too.
Honestly, my whole life, I only ever wanted one thing from you, and it was your love and presence in my life. In the absence of it, I had to fill that void with something, and that's exactly when Jesus revealed Himself to me. He poured out His great love and mercy on me, and helped me to realize that it was not that I had done anything wrong or that I was NOT enough. It was that you unfortunately had, very early on, chosen a path that came at a great cost to both of us. You had to give up having a deep and meaningful relationship with your children...with me, and I had to give up on the idea that my earthly father was ever going to be capable of fulfilling my emotional needs in the way I had always hoped for, so it gave me no choice BUT to trust in Him to do that for me in your absence.
This is what the first car that I bought looked like. 1996 Pontiac Sunfire
High School Graduation Class of 1998
That was actually your greatest gift to me. I don't know if I would have made the same choice, to give my life over to Jesus, without going through the life I had lived. I don't know that I would have the deep love and compassion for others in similar hurting and broken places. I don't know that my ministry on this earth could be as effective. I don't know that I would be able to love my own children with the same depth and intensity. I don't know that I would have a deep sympathy and remorse for people who struggle with addictions, and understand the power that those things can truly have on their lives and have compassion for their struggles. I just don't know.
I was saved in July 1998, and still proudly praise and serve Jesus today. I was baptized when I was 20 years old, but I had no family present to celebrate that huge moment with me.
I was married in 2000, and was so grateful that my stepdad was there to walk me down the isle, though I still wished that you had come too.
The birth of my 4th and final baby. I never knew the power of real love till I met those 4 little faces.
A lot of who I am, was birthed out of the the pain, loss, insecurities, and fears that I've faced and overcome... as the child of an addict. I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through a lot of the things that I have, that are not documented with photos on this earth, but have been permanently imprinted in my mind and heart. However, if that's what it took for me to be me, for me to find, trust, and accept Jesus, and then lead out a mission and ministry from there that truly comes straight from my heart, then I guess, I'd do it all again.
However, I still feel bad for you though because your addiction cheated you out of this life's greatest joys for a long, long time. Thankfully though, you aren't in that place anymore, and now you CAN make choices that will serve you so much better, and can still bring you great joy and happiness in this life, if you will open your heart to receive it. Forgive yourself, and know that, at least for me, it's never been a question of forgiveness. I've continued to be here all along just waiting for you to be here too, to show up, and just feel the love I have to offer.
And I know, for certain, that I am not the only one standing here with that offer either. The Lord, Jesus, who stood with me many times on YOUR behalf, who guided and loved me through many hard moments in my life... has always been there for you too. He longs to show His love and offer His forgiveness to you. He's just waiting for you to recognize His voice and call on your life, and allow Him to come in. His plans for you have always been good, and He still wants a chance to bring all of that into your life. However, the choice is always in our hands and on our terms. He can't force you to love and want Him, any more than I could ever force you to love and want me. Nevertheless, we both stand waiting still.
Don't call the cops, or send out the search party!!! I know, it's been a while, I dropped off the face of the (blogging) planet, but I'm still here and breathing.
That's sort of been an inside joke for my sister and I for a while, since 2015 seemed to be kicking all of our butts. Some of us (ME) went into hiding...but it mainly came about as a joke about how we check in with our stepdad, who is a self proclaimed hermit, and he can go months without speaking to anyone and still be absolutely content. He just forgets that the rest of us worry about him and care for him, and just need to know every once and a while that he's still OK. :)
My sister laid the law, and said that he could hide as much as he needed, but if she called or texted him, he better at least send a text back that says, "I'm still breathing!!" or she'll be calling the cops and sending out the search parties.
And now we do that for each other too. I'll text her "Are you still breathing?" or vice versa, and as long as the other responds, we chill and just know everyone is fine, just hiding out for a while.
Things post PE sort of leveled off around 6 months out, and I was finally starting to feel somewhat more normal. I had new scans of my heart and lungs, and the clots resolved, and other than a slight heart defect (called Mitral Valve Prolaspe) my heart is pretty healthy again too. But, there is a lot of neurological damage left after the PE that has definitely changed things for me, and has taken a lot of time to process and adapt and accept.
The neurological issues that are there, it seems that I'm stuck with, body tremors and myoclonic jerks. Also, my anxiety went WAY out of control, and I fell into one of the worst bouts of depression of my life. Anxiety and depression are not new for me, but their presence enhanced a lot of my current issues making all of that worse.
On top of that, something that I had not really disclosed before, except to only a rare few people, was that something happened in November 2014 that triggered a severe PTSD event for me, and had already significantly impacted my life and my marriage. I was desperately working through all of that with a counselor from the moment that it happened, and thankfully, the counselor was there with me all the way through my PE issue too.
When the PE hit, the other stuff got put on the back burner...even though it was important, there was no way I could focus on it all at once, so my physical health took priority for a while. However, since the other event was SO extremely significant, and even though I had made some progress leading up to the PE, I had not fully finished dealing with the gamut of emotions that really came with that event. That PTSD event brought out memories and personal demons that I had shoved so far away in my brain, and I was NEVER planning on revisiting any of that stuff, but now I was forced too.
It was like Pandora's box, once opened, you couldn't put it back. So, when my physical health started to settle, the mental part started demanding its attention again through another wave of a PTSD attack that brought with it waves of severe panic attacks again too, and a confusion bigger than I've ever experienced before.
It was too much for me, and all I could see was that the source of the emotions that I didn't want to be feeling were being stimulated by my husband. It was his actions and decisions that threw me back into that place, and even though I don't for one second think that he was intentionally trying to purposefully or knowingly hurt and violate my trust in the ways that he did and put me in that place (because I know that he's not a mean spirited person), I had to face the hard facts that, on purpose or not--he still had significantly hurt me, and being around him intimately wasn't helping me be healthy or happy at all. I was getting worse.
So, in September I told him that I had to put my full health first for a while, and that I didn't feel safe with him, and that I wasn't sure I even wanted to or could be married to him anymore. I was done and exhausted of feeling the way I was, and I couldn't see any other way to help me get better. What we were doing WASN'T working! Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew that I couldn't keep living like I was, because it was seriously putting me in the grave.
And honestly, I do believe that because I was really mentally unhealthy at the time of my PE from the unresolved November PTSD event, that was somehow a contributing factor into me even having the PE too. We've not gotten any real answers that make any of what has happened to me medically make sense, but I know stress can wreak havoc on a body, and I think even though I was trying hard in early 2015 to ignore my feelings and just "move on" from the November event, my body internally was NOT fooled. :(
So yeah, I completely freaked my husband out, and he went into "fix it" mode instantly, and really I just needed some space and time and understanding for healing. I didn't know that at the time. I had no idea what I was feeling or what I wanted or what I needed, to be honest, but I knew that if I continued the path I was on, it was going to kill me, in one way or another. And it was for my kids alone, that I demanded better, and chose to fight instead of just giving up. The only thing I was certain of at that time was that it would hurt my kids a whole lot more to have no mom at all, as opposed to ANY of the other options I thought I had then.
He went to a few therapy sessions with my counselor then, and I guess he was finally realizing the significance of and depth of the issues I was trying to overcome. How deeply affected and traumatized I had been by my past events, and how the events with him had basically woken a sleeping giant of repressed pain for me, and I didn't know what to do with it.
My instincts said "RUN!! Run far, run fast...just run!!"
That wasn't a valid option this time though because I had kids that would be caught in the middle. Nearly 20 years ago though, that was what I did, I ran from the issue, but this time I was FORCED to deal with it, and I had no confidence that I was strong enough to actually do that. The thought of opening all of that back up just made me want to puke. And the fact was, I was still struggling to recover from the mental toll the PE had placed on me as well.
I felt unsafe in my own home, in my own bed, in my own body, in my own mind. It's a scary feeling when even your own body turns on you, and no one can explain the reason why. The anxiety is crippling, and adding ANYTHING ELSE on top of that, feels like you're literally trying to move a mountain.
An immediate and noticeable change occurred in my husband, once the whole fullness of what I was feeling and going through had finally sunk in with him. I liked the change, but I was scared that it could be a farce too, just to get me to back down, and then we'd be right back where we were, which is a place that I could NOT go back to.
He showed a significant seriousness of truly wanting to make real changes for us by booking us a week of Intensive Couples Counseling through the National Institute of Marriage, a ministry of Focus on the Family. I didn't know what I thought about that, but I figured it couldn't hurt. I didn't have much expectation from it really, I was just trying to survive in those moments and if that could help in any way, I was definitely willing to try.
Although, since I had already been in my own one-on-one counseling for a year by the time of our Intensive, I did not see how four days was going to "fix" the brokenness and fear that I was feeling. And the truth is, those four days didn't.
We went to the Intensive in early November 2015 and it was beautiful, and really well done. They took great care of us, we met some other very sweet couples, and I felt that the counselors were not pushy in any way or trying to beat me with Bible knowledge that I already had about "divorce", to guilt me into just "getting over my issues" and "moving on".
They were gentle with us, and actually encouraged me to continue to focus on my own healing first and foremost, as I had already concluded myself. One thing they said there that stuck with me is that when your physical health gets into an emergency and crisis situation, the first thing that you do is STOP everything and assess what all has been damaged. And then, course of treatments are prescribed from there, and that sometimes, the first course of treatment was immobilization allowing time for the injuries to heal. Then after some healing has taken place, you can start working on rehabilitation. Slowly working your way back to full health. And that the same process applied to our wounded relationships too.
So, I felt good and safe while we were there at the Intensive, but when we came back home I fell into a deeper and darker pit. I didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed to move. I felt like I was holding my family's whole world on my shoulders alone, and that if I stepped in "this" direction it would all come crumbling down, or if stepped in "that" direction it would all fall apart. I couldn't find the way out, and so I just didn't move at all...for months, paralyzed in my fear. I had no idea what my next step should be, and even if I did know, I was too terrified to take it.
My fear shut me down in my life. I wasn't living during those days, I was breathing, and I was surviving minute-by-minute. I stopped everything, and my husband sadly had to try to pick up where I was falling behind. And I don't think he was begrudgingly doing these things at all, I think he did realize that I was seriously ill, even if it was in a way that he could not comprehend personally.
So, he started doing all of the shopping again, and the cooking, and dishes, and most of the laundry. I tried to continue with homeschool, but just breathing was sucking the life out of me and I was dragging myself through those days. I felt like I was failing in every area I could. So, I heavily considered putting my kids back in regular school thinking that might help relieve some of the stress. I even went as far as going to each school and picking up the paperwork, but being in those buildings made me feel like puking, and as though I had failed at everything. As a mom, as a wife, as a Christian, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter....at everything, I had failed at everything that was important to me.
I broke down in the worst way that night after I had picked up those papers, and I just knew this was NOT what I wanted. I WANTED to live again. I WANTED out of this hole. I WANTED to be all that God had created me to be. And I KNEW there was no way He had spared me from the PE, just to let my world fall apart in this way.
I resolved that I was going to give myself until the end of the year, and then at the start of 2016, I was going to pick myself up, and take back my life.
January 1st came, and I was on fire. I did tons of laundry, cooked dinner, cleaned here and there. Then January 2nd came, and I COULD NOT MOVE!!! LOL
It was obviously going to take more than just will power. I had to accept that if I could have just "chosen" to get out of that hole all along, I would've have already done it!! I wasn't purposefully hanging out in the hole. I was stuck, and I needed a LOT of help to get back out.
Some of the help came in the form of anxiety medicines and antidepressants, and a LOT of help came from God. I felt Him urge me to look through some of the follow up materials given to us by the Intensive. And the first time I picked up the book and flipped through it, it was painful. I wasn't ready, so I put it back.
I spent time in prayer and talking with my therapist, and we were discussing other therapeutic options to help me overcome my PTSD issues because that was/is the biggest mountain between where I am now and where I want to be.
Then, our church started up their new Sunday evening small groups again, and the class my oldest son is in for the teenagers was about dating. So, I picked up his study guide for that class and read through most of it, and during reading that, God showed me my first step, that required very little risk, but finally MOVED ME in a direction.
So, that's where I am at right now, and I will share some of what it looks like for me. The "Dateable" book explained that before you ever even think of dating ANYONE, you should lay your boundaries out for yourself, what you feel are appropriate behaviors for dating that respect both you and the person you may date. See, that's something I've never done with ANYONE, is claimed boundaries of safety. I either completely let you in or I completely keep you out, but I didn't know how to manage the in-between.
My first step was to set my safety boundaries for dating my husband again (or dating anyone for that matter, but I'm giving my husband the first chance at trying out these boundaries because I do want to ultimately keep our family together, if possible, obviously), and so yes, you plan them out and make them clear. Here's what that looks like for me right now.
Then I went back to the follow up books given to us by the Intensive, and holding them felt less scary this time because I felt like I really had a plan that I could be comfortable with. These are the books from the Intensive. The first one they actually sent us before we went (DNA of Relationships), the Love Story Script is a workbook that follows up what we learned at the Intensive, and the last book basically takes you through an Intensive experience without actually going. I mean it is Eeeerily accurate in what it really felt like to be there!!
I discussed my desire to TRY to work through these things now with my husband, who was thrilled at the opportunity, and I showed him my "Safe List", and he seemed OK with it. Then I discussed it all with my counselor and showed her the books, and my Safe List too, and she was so proud of me because she acknowledged what a HUGE moment that was for me. I MOVED, I took a step, even in fear, I took a step, after MONTHS of being unable to even consider moving at all.
She drew out this chart of how relationships are built, and she said that even if I don't make it any further up this pyramid with my husband than that second level, it's obvious that I'm moving in the right direction, and that we are laying the right foundation to rebuild our relationship and trust hopefully.
I still have to work through the issues that led to my PTSD events, I don't know how long I will need to stay at level 2 before I'm comfortable for another level of intimacy, but this is where I just have to do what I can and trust God to do what I can't and guide me the way He wants me to go.
I've told my husband many times too, that he's free to go if what I have to offer to him right now in our relationship is just not enough for him, or if he feels that he's had to carry too much of the weight for this whole last year. So far, he's sticking around though. And that has helped give me the courage to even try to move through the issues that had me ready to run only months ago.
I did continue to homeschool too. It was something I enjoyed, and something that I really WANTED to do, and I just gave myself some grace that it doesn't have to be that "perfect" vision in my head right now. I'm only responsible for doing that which God requires of me each day, and going in with that attitude has helped relieve stress over it.
I'm going to get through this, and I have a feeling the testimony that comes out of all of this is going to be amazing. Just months ago, I was ready to give up everything, and really believed that I was too far broken to really overcome all of the issues that I've carried for so long. But, God has been working. No, He didn't bring a miracle for us at that four day Intensive (though we've certainly been blessed with far more miracles than we deserve already), and in some ways that seemed like a huge set back. However, I think it set the stage for where we are headed, for each of us personally AND in our relationship with each other.
I'm going to keep praying and trusting God that I will get passed this mountain somehow, whether it's by Him moving it for me, or climbing it with me, He's going to bring me to the Promise Land, somehow, and that's where I'm trying to keep my focus!!
I was forced on a journey to understand that my worth and value were not dependent on my parents or other people in this earth. I had to find it through internal and supernatural sources. I didn't know it at the time, but every time that you stepped out, God stepped in. Every moment that He offered to you to beam with pride over me, He stood in your place, so that none of my important moments ever went unnoticed or unappreciated.
I realized that I was smart, talented, and capable of doing amazing and wonderful things, whether I had proud parents rooting me on or not. I became determined to reach my full potential, which at the time I thought would impress you, but honestly, instead I impressed myself as I continued to pull it off. I don't know if you even know this, but as a young child in elementary school, when my life at home was a total wreck, I tested into the Gifted program at my school which brought tremendous pride to me, because with that honor it affirmed that I was special and other people could see it too, even if you didn't notice or appreciate that.
