When you chose addiction over me...

A daughter whose father let her down, time and
again due to his struggles with addiction, yet
has never lost hope for him and the relationship
that she always wanted to have with him.

When I read a blog post earlier titled, "To the Parent Who Chose Addiction", I liked what the author was trying to do, but I felt a need to personalize this same topic to my own situation, because I couldn't 100% agree with all that she had said.

See, she started hers off with this line, "When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you."

Those words immediately gave me pause, because I can't say that I've ever felt that way about you.  When I was young I wanted you, and more than anything, I wanted you to WANT me.  I didn't hate you.  I loved you, missed you, and didn't understand why you didn't seem to reciprocate those feelings.

As I grew older, your choices became even more confusing to me, especially when I became a parent myself.  There is not a thing in this earth that would keep me away from being with, there, and for my children.  The love I feel for them makes my heart nearly explode.  I worry each day about being a good enough parent to them, and feel the pressure of trying to shape and guide them into strong, dependable, reliable members of society that exude integrity, love, and compassion.

That's a huge task for any parent, and maybe the pressure of that level of responsibility was too much for you, and you felt that if you couldn't do it right, then why bother trying at all.  I don't know, only you can tell what went through your mind during the time you started choosing your addiction over your family.

The thing is, even through your choice of addiction over me, somehow I did become the type of person that I described above, in a way that I'm sure couldn't have happened without the experiences that your choices brought to my life.

When you chose addiction over being there for my birth...

I was forced on a journey to understand that my worth and value were not dependent on my parents or other people in this earth.  I had to find it through internal and supernatural sources.  I didn't know it at the time, but every time that you stepped out, God stepped in.  Every moment that He offered to you to beam with pride over me, He stood in your place, so that none of my important moments ever went unnoticed or unappreciated.

When you chose addiction over my childhood...

I realized that I was smart, talented, and capable of doing amazing and wonderful things, whether I had proud parents rooting me on or not.  I became determined to reach my full potential, which at the time I thought would impress you, but honestly, instead I impressed myself as I continued to pull it off.  I don't know if you even know this, but as a young child in elementary school, when my life at home was a total wreck, I tested into the Gifted program at my school which brought tremendous pride to me, because with that honor it affirmed that I was special and other people could see it too, even if you didn't notice or appreciate that.

When you chose addiction over my teen years...

Me at my first job, a waitress at 15.
I was terrible at it.  :)

You missed the opportunity to express to me my value and importance, when I needed it most.  You didn't share with me the treasure that I was, and that not just any guy deserved to be with me.  I had no idea what traits or values I really needed to look for in my future spouse, and you were not there to help guide me in that process... to look out for me, when my emotions were talking louder than my reasoning.  I admit that I made mistakes in my judgement during this time, but thankfully, none that were too damaging to my long-term goals and success.  At the time that my life was being bombarded the most by these life-shaping decisions, you weren't there to guide me.  Yet, somehow I found my way, not by mistake, but by my internal guide that had been with me all along calling out to me to follow Him, and so that's exactly what I did.

Prom with Greg

When you chose your addiction over my early adult years...

By then, I no longer expected you to be there for any of my important moments, though I would still always invite you.  I'd always promise myself that I wouldn't let my feelings get hurt when you wouldn't show up, but it was never a promise I could actually keep.  I knew how you were, but I also knew how I desperately WISHED you would be too.

Honestly, my whole life, I only ever wanted one thing from you, and it was your love and presence in my life.  In the absence of it, I had to fill that void with something, and that's exactly when Jesus revealed Himself to me.  He poured out His great love and mercy on me, and helped me to realize that it was not that I had done anything wrong or that I was NOT enough.  It was that you unfortunately had, very early on, chosen a path that came at a great cost to both of us.  You had to give up having a deep and meaningful relationship with your children...with me, and I had to give up on the idea that my earthly father was ever going to be capable of fulfilling my emotional needs in the way I had always hoped for, so it gave me no choice BUT to trust in Him to do that for me in your absence.

This is what the first car that I bought looked like.
1996 Pontiac Sunfire

High School Graduation Class of 1998

That was actually your greatest gift to me.  I don't know if I would have made the same choice, to give my life over to Jesus, without going through the life I had lived.  I don't know that I would have the deep love and compassion for others in similar hurting and broken places.  I don't know that my ministry on this earth could be as effective.  I don't know that I would be able to love my own children with the same depth and intensity.  I don't know that I would have a deep sympathy and remorse for people who struggle with addictions, and understand the power that those things can truly have on their lives and have compassion for their struggles.  I just don't know.

I was saved in July 1998, and still proudly praise
and serve Jesus today.  I was baptized when I was
20 years old, but I had no family present to celebrate
that huge moment with me.

I was married in 2000, and was so grateful
that my stepdad was there to walk me down the
isle, though I still wished that you had come too.

The birth of my 4th and final baby.  I never knew
the power of real love till I met those 4 little faces.

A lot of who I am, was birthed out of the the pain, loss, insecurities, and fears that I've faced and overcome... as the child of an addict.  I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through a lot of the things that I have, that are not documented with photos on this earth, but have been permanently imprinted in my mind and heart.  However, if that's what it took for me to be me, for me to find, trust, and accept Jesus, and then lead out a mission and ministry from there that truly comes straight from my heart, then I guess, I'd do it all again.

However, I still feel bad for you though because your addiction cheated you out of this life's greatest joys for a long, long time.  Thankfully though, you aren't in that place anymore, and now you CAN make choices that will serve you so much better, and can still bring you great joy and happiness in this life, if you will open your heart to receive it.  Forgive yourself, and know that, at least for me, it's never been a question of forgiveness.  I've continued to be here all along just waiting for you to be here too, to show up, and just feel the love I have to offer.

And I know, for certain, that I am not the only one standing here with that offer either.  The Lord, Jesus, who stood with me many times on YOUR behalf, who guided and loved me through many hard moments in my life... has always been there for you too.  He longs to show His love and offer His forgiveness to you.  He's just waiting for you to recognize His voice and call on your life, and allow Him to come in.  His plans for you have always been good, and He still wants a chance to bring all of that into your life.  However, the choice is always in our hands and on our terms.  He can't force you to love and want Him, any more than I could ever force you to love and want me.  Nevertheless, we both stand waiting still.